


Was it Fate, Knowing You?

by yamatsukkei



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Angstober 2019, Anxiety Attacks, Fluff and Angst, Injury Recovery, M/M, Mentions of Tsukishima Akiteru/Udai Tenma, Mentions of a Coma, Other, yamayachi (mentioned)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2020-12-17 04:02:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 24,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21047978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yamatsukkei/pseuds/yamatsukkei
Summary: For Angstober 2019! Prompts used were created by @asaiku_ on Twitter (deactivated acct)! All stories are not connected in any way. Each story has varying lengths, and this work is currently ON HIATUS until I can finish the last 11 days.Hope you enjoy!!





	1. I can't do this anymore.

"Hi, Nana-chan!"

Kei politely turned away and started walking away from his friend, who chirped happily over his current conversation over the phone. He tuned out Yamaguchi's voice, the voice he had grown to love and cherish so much, although it was futile, for he knew he would latch on to that joyful laugh for years and years, even if it couldn't be his.

It's only been a few months, and his heart had sunken so low, as if it were a ship to never be found underneath the depths of the watery abyss that was his emotions.

Only a few months since his best friend, Yamaguchi Tadashi, the one he knew everything about, started dating Onaya Nanakomi.

It's really only been a few months since he helped him confess to her, helped him with outfits for the first couple dates he's gone on with her before he gained confidence over his own sense of style, and helped him conjure up gifts that made him and his girlfriend beam for ages.

It's really funny, to Kei.

How his heart could be so broken within just a few months. He didn't know why he kept trying to help Yamaguchi out. Maybe it was because of his desire to continue to be close, as they used to be, without worrying about anyone else occupying their time. Maybe he really was just a masochistic bastard, as quoted by that shrimp.

He was burying himself under and under, and it was way too late for him, as he realized there was no clear, reliable way out. So he sat there, in the dark recesses of his mind, as he walked away in reality, deciding not to involve himself into Yamaguchi's affairs any longer.

He didn't want to hurt himself anymore, or potentially turn that pain onto others. That's what he told himself.

He just knew he couldn't do this anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Honestly I just wanted a reason to write "Nana-chan" because it's a very cute name.


	2. You said you loved me.

Tadashi's heart dropped. He figured out that this would be the inevitable, long ago. But he supposed that he had his hopes up still, for all this time.

For someone who hated lying, it was horribly ironic that it was Tsukishima Kei who lied to him, and was now trying to make amends to it.

"Tadashi-" Kei had started, but Tadashi met his gaze with his own, stony, cold one, which effectively shut him up, and Tadashi felt a surge of confidence — or was it pride over being able to stand on his own? He wasn't sure. It was awfully odd though, to be the one who stood unwavering as his boyfriend — it was really saddening to even use that word anymore — was the one who looked like he could crumble any minute.

Tadashi only shook his head, staring at Kei with the saddest expression he could muster. He wanted him to feel how he felt. He wanted to see him crumble before him. Perhaps it was petty, selfish emotions that caused him to want to see him hurt as well.

"You said you loved me. And I believed you. I believed you for months. But only now, when it's almost our one year anniversary, you want to give it all up? Why? What did I do wrong, Kei?" he asked softly, almost daring him to blame it on him. As quiet as his voice was, he knew, he _knew_ he wasn't to blame for this. He wanted him to know that he knew, without having to explicitly say it. That's just how well they worked, or used to.

They've known each other for years. For years, they've been friends, then best friends. They kept each other afloat, and never kept secrets from each other. It was an honest relationship. That's what they promised, when that issue happened. Tadashi promised never to lie like Akiteru did, and Kei did the same, knowing the both of them could never take a hit as heavy as that again.

But Tadashi found evidence, sadly. Or rather, the evidence found him, the day they attended a training camp with the Tokyo teams once again, and Nekoma's captain had whisked him away at night. He was lucky that Kageyama had seen it, so he wouldn't have to. Yet that happened only a few months ago, and Tadashi had insisted that Kei would never do anything to hurt him.

He had hope in Kei. But now that he wanted to break it all off, all he could think about was Kei, his Kei, being with someone else. That Kei thought he wasn't good enough, when Tadashi tried so hard all the time, to be good enough. To feel good enough. That's why he wasn't collapsing now, because he so desperately wanted to be strong and confident that it wasn't him, it wasn't him the problem was with.

It somehow just made it so much more worse knowing Kei was the one who broke their promise.

"I'm sorry, T-Yamaguchi." Kei's voice finally resounded, dry yet choked up. Tadashi just huffed, before turning away from him.

"If you were really sorry, you wouldn't be breaking up with me. You'd be breaking up with him."

"Goodbye, Tsukishima."

And Tadashi ran, he ran before Kei could lay a hand on his shoulder, he ran while ignoring the calls of his name as he was swallowed up into the night, he ran before Kei could see him deflate.

He was sad, he was bitter, and he was absolutely petty. He knew he shouldn't have been, but the tears that streamed down his face, the hiccups that threatened to echo around the empty streets, it made him feel all the more painfully real. It was all real, it was happening. He left Tsukishima, the one who left him first.

Left him behind to somehow float on his own, when they had always been a two-for-one deal.


	3. You weren't here when I needed you the most.

"Akiteru-kun, you're sooo cool!" Tadashi laughed, pointing at a picture of him holding a trophy during his middle school years. Akiteru laughed along with him, and Kei brimmed with pride as his friend continued to hound him with questions that dripped with unadulterated admiration and awe.

"Nii-chan is the coolest." Kei said matter-of-factly, placing his hands on his hips as he grinned. "That's why he's the greatest big brother ever. He's so strong, he's even the ace of Karasuno now!"

"I'm so jealous, Tsukki! I wish I had a sibling like Akiteru-kun!" Tadashi pouted, turning to Akiteru as the older boy only chuckled, and ruffled his hair like he's always done.

"It's okay, I can share, Yamaguchi." Kei reasoned, giving him a small grin. He briefly thought of how he wouldn't've done so when they first met, when he loved Akiteru so much that he got jealous when he started paying attention to Tadashi too. And he was scared he would lose his older brother to some kid he had just met, who seemed to idolize him as much as Kei did.

But that was when Kei was naïve, and had no idea how much impact Tadashi would have in his life, as his best friend. So that's why, he told himself, he was glad he could have both Akiteru and Tadashi by his side. He watched them laugh, and immediately joined in on their conversation. They really were the two most important people in his life.

And then there was only one.

* * *

"Tsukki! Tsukki, wait up!" Yamaguchi had called, nearly tripping over his own feet as he rushed over to where Kei was pushing against the door, having been too distraught to notice the "Pull" sign. Yamaguchi flung his arms around Kei, trying his hardest not to cry. But he failed, wiping his face all over the back of Kei's jacket as he sniffled and sobbed.

But why was Yamaguchi crying so hard?

_He was his older brother as much as yours,_ his mind supplied.

Kei only let out a hollow laugh, holding Yamaguchi close as he finally pulled open the door, and the two boys exited the building, feeling overcome with emotion.

But Kei wouldn't cry. He never cries. That's why he was kind of glad, that Yamaguchi seemed to be crying enough for the both of them.

Kei just felt empty, like he was falling forever and ever, never to see the ground.

He wasn't sure how they got home, how they both ended up on his bed, how Yamaguchi fell asleep on him, clenching his shirt tightly in his fists. Like he was afraid he would leave too. Or, perhaps he was trying to let Kei know that he wouldn't leave him, not in his time of need.

He appreciated it, he thought thickly, as he ran his fingers through his friend's hair in an attempt to calm down and pull himself out of that empty abyss he couldn't seem to stop falling in. The room was still awash with dim light, the sun about to set, and the moon about to rise soon after.

As Kei closed his eyes, all he could see was the way his brother looked at him like a deer caught in the headlights. Like he knew he wasn't supposed to be there. Like he somehow thought Kei would be stupid enough to not support him if he wasn't the ace of Karasuno. If he wasn't a starter. If he wasn't even in the waiting area with the rest of his teammates.

He let out a small breath through his mouth. He wasn't ready to deal with anything ever again. But he couldn't sleep. So he stayed up, desperately trying to ignore his own thoughts.

And then the amount of important people in his life fell to none.

* * *

"Tsukki, why are you being so stubborn? I just-"

Kei doesn't know how it happened. Why they were fighting. No clear reason came to mind, and he just said the one thing he always told himself never to say.

"You weren't there for me when I needed you the most, so why should I-" Kei stopped, suddenly feeling like his mouth should never be allowed to speak a single word ever again. Yamaguchi had stopped, and was only staring at him with shaking shoulders, heaving gasps.

"You don't mean that. You- Tsukki, you of all people should _know_-"

Kei thought to himself. He already lost one person. That caused him to be the worst person besides his brother. Why not even be worse than him and lose the person he thought would be by his side forever?

"Know what? How incredibly stupid it was to think you'd always be there?"

They were just two people. Two people who had meant the world to him, before one of them tore himself away from Kei, and now Kei was just finishing the job himself.

"Tsukki! Stop it! Stop saying these things! I was there! I've been here! I was always here for you! I always shoved myself into your life, dragging you outside because your mother was so worried about you, and-"

It was just Yamaguchi.

"But did I ever ask you to do that for me? I told you to stop, didn't I? You were annoying. You still are."

Kei really should just throw himself into a deep, deep hole, with how his words sounded so fake, with how it formed lumps in his throat, but he continued on anyways as he watched frustrated tears form at the corners of his friend's eyes. He never thought he would feel so bad for tossing around his particularly mean remarks as he usually did.

"Tsukki, stop. I don't want to hear any more. Besides, you were the one who pushed me away anyways. And I respected your wishes, didn't I? That was months ago Tsukki. Months ago. It still hurts me. It still hurts you. So why are you taking it out on me now?"

Why couldn't he just give up? What was the purpose of fighting, if Yamaguchi kept stubbornly holding on, even with tears rolling down his cheeks? He knew what Yamaguchi was saying was true. He did push him away. And he was given space, for some time. So why was Kei doing this?

"I don't want to talk to you anymore, Yamaguchi," his throat felt raw. "Not later on today, not tomorrow, never again. Don't bother with me anymore. Don't even come to Karasuno when we graduate junior high. I won't be there." he nearly choked on those last few words.

Why was he doing this?

He didn't know, as he turned tail and ran. He couldn't get Yamaguchi's face out of his head, he couldn't stop thinking about how he started blubbering, how he reached out to Kei but tripped, and he had a feeling Yamaguchi's wailing didn't happen because he tripped.

Why was Kei's vision so blurry?


	4. How are you not terrified?

Tadashi smoothed the sheets out before him, feeling a calm wash over him as he smiled softly. He's gotten used to the quiet beeping that surrounded him, and the initial terror that had settled in at the beginning of the accident slowly waned away with time. He felt strangely happy after a week of struggling.

Even if his world was drowned in shadows, even if light, and in turn, color would never shine ever again, he was optimistic. He was optimistic he could make it work. He wasn't the scrawny, sniveling little kid who clung to his friend like he had in primary school anymore. He wasn't the insecure boy who fell apart at a failure and took it so harshly he would spend hours trying to recuperate from it anymore.

He was stronger now. Even if this turned his life upside down, he was happy he was still alive at all. He's glad that it wasn't his parents who took the blow. He's so, so glad that... That Kei hadn't been injured at all. Even if he was strong, he wasn't sure how well he could've held up if it was Kei who got hurt, not him.

And speaking of which, said boy opened the door to Tadashi's room, not having knocked beforehand. He knew Tadashi would know it was him anyways. 

"Your footsteps are kinda fast, but still heavy, Tsukki," he had explained one day, after greeting him with conviction as he entered.

"That's so creepy," he had responded then, watching as his friend snickered. Tadashi had only been studying all the sounds he could with a sense of fervorous determination. He very quickly learned the sounds of each nurse's steps, and even without the clock on his phone that read aloud the time when he asked for it, he could tell what time it was according to who walked into his room. So maybe it was a little creepy. But it was a necessary sort of creepy, Tadashi had reasoned.

But now, as Kei sat next to him on his bed, holding one of his hands and slowly rubbing his thumb over the back of his hand, Tadashi couldn't help but throw a fond smile his way. There was no helping the pink that he was sure dusted his cheeks, and while they haven't explicitly talked about their feelings yet, especially not since the accident, Tadashi was happy that Kei stayed by his side every day, even going so far as arguing with the nurses to let him stay over some nights despite not being family. Kei was concerned for him, and it made him happy to know that he could count on him in this time of uncertainty.

"Shouyou and Tobio stopped by earlier today," Tadashi started, squeezing Kei's hand gently as he leaned into his shoulder, rubbing his cheek against the soft fabric of the wool sweater he wore. It was so much warmer than the too-breezy-and-cold — for his standards — mandatory clinic gown. But he had nothing to complain about when he had someone like Kei to warm him up.

"Oh? What did they say? Did Shouyou start another fight with Tobio again?" Kei asked, his tone light but impertinent as he began running his hand through Tadashi's hair, illiciting a pleasant hum from him. 

Tadashi laughed, thinking of the time the two first years who burst into the room, yelling at each other over mundane things until they caught sight of Tadashi. It was funny until they were threatened to get kicked out. He also thought about the instant where they all switched to calling each other by their first names, and that had taken a while for Kei to get used to. Tadashi stuck to calling him "Tsukki" so he could have at least some sense of familiarity.

They began talking about anything and everything, reaching a silent agreement not to talk about anything too strenuous, such as school or volleyball. Tadashi had his fill on the nights he was alone and his mind wouldn't stop wandering.

But he couldn't wait to go home and start back up what he considered a "normal routine."

With all the thinking he had done, he thought he was prepared to deal with it all.

* * *

He wasn't prepared for all the pampering from his parents, even when he got his cane and was accustomed to it well enough, they still guided him gently through the house, as if he didn't know where a single thing could be.

"Mom, it's not like I don't know where I am." He could practically see the raise of her eyebrows in the way she stopped, her fingers tensing ever so slightly as she sighed.

"So where are you then, Tadashi? Can you tell me what direction you're facing?" He moved away from her, to feel for a wall. As his fingers brushed wood, and continued to do so, he thought of the many crooks and crannies in their house, and where such an expanse of wall could be. 

"We're in the hallway." But his voice echoed, and with a flash of embarrassment, he realized he might be wrong. He reached out behind him, to feel for the other side of the wall just to make sure, but almost fell over as he bumped into the low table he realized was the one next to the couch, and his mother grasped his arms to steady him as he let out a groan.

It was disorienting, and he severely underestimated how hard it would be to navigate a place that wasn't a single hospital room.

"Living room. We're in the living room." he corrected, gritting his teeth as he pushed down the urge to run into his room because one, he needed to feel his way there, two, it would be rude to his parents, and three, he said he was strong. Granted, it was to himself, but he didn't think it would all fall apart so fast.

He was still trying to get used to having confidence in himself, he guessed. But as his mother sighed, her earrings clicking against each other as she shook her head in exasperation, Tadashi felt ill. But he held on strong, as he reached out to hug his mother, then his father, who stepped closer to wrap his arms around his family, and let out a soft huff.

* * *

He was allowed to continue attending school, his doctor had said. He prepared for that too. Holding his cane in his hand, he thought about how odd he must've looked, and with a petulant frown, quickly folded it up and stowed it away in his bag, closing the door behind him. He heard a slight cough, and brightened.

"Good morning, Tsukki!" he practiced this yesterday evening. One, two, three, four steps to the gate where his friend waited. He reached out to the left, where the lock was, and Kei was patient as he almost fell over – Five steps, Tadashi. Not four. – but righted himself fast enough that he hoped it wasn't worth mentioning. Locking the gate behind him, he turned to his friend with a wide smile.

"Morning." Kei finally greeted back, and Tadashi reached for his hand, as was customary for their morning walks to school. Not because of his condition, but because they had been doing this for a while now, and Tadashi saw no reason to stop. If anything, it only furthered the urge to squeeze his hand tightly in reassurance.

The walk was silent, as Tadashi slowly realized that his inspiration for mindless conversation walked right out the window the second the accident occured. He couldn't see the sun slowly rising behind them, the wisps of clouds above them, the rustles of bushes and trees beside them, and the quiet bustle of the early morning all around them. It felt lonely.

He lifted his face to gaze at Kei, and the boy noticed, and tittered, an unusual action for him.

"What? Is there something on my face?" Tadashi laughed, lifting his free hand to his cheek, rubbing his thumb against it. His heart fluttered when he felt Kei's cheeks go warm.

"Well, it's just that, while I like our comfortable silent walks, I like it when you tell me what's wrong and we have a whole heart-to-heart," he lightly tugged on his hand to get him to stop walking. They had time before morning practice started, even if Kei was the only one attending. "I know when you want to say something, but you hold off on it because you're not sure when the right time would be, Tsukki."

Kei pulled his hand away from Tadashi's, and he let out a small whine in disappointment as he heard his friend start walking again, kicking small rocks off asphalt. "I'm not- it's not something I-"

"Tsukki," and with that one word, Tadashi couldn't help but launch himself into a tirade of why Kei should just let it out, how he'll feel much better when he lets go of what's causing him to be so uncharacteristically silent, at least when he's with him and a big event had happened. Was he worried about him? Was that it?

"How are you not terrified?" Kei finally choked out, and Tadashi stopped rambling, putting a pause on his calculated and careful saunter to turn to the sound of Kei's barely contained gush of fear. Tadashi stepped forward, reaching out to feel for his hand once again. Clasping it between both of his own, he blinked owlishly at Kei. 'Go on,' he said softly in his thoughts, knowing Kei would know what he meant despite the words that have never left his mouth. That combined with a tilt of his head seemed to be enough to coax Kei into continuing.

"It's just... School's going to be difficult. It's been difficult for me, but now, for you– And the club. You're not going to be able to play as well. Volleyball is–" he paused, huffing for a moment before he adjusted his glasses, in the way Tadashi knows he does every time he feels overwhelmed. "Volleyball's important to you. To me, too. Our serve & block–"

"Is pretty dang strong, right, Tsukki?" he raised his voice in a questioning tone, where the unspoken phrase "Do you not believe in it now that I'm blind?" hung in the air. "Do you not believe in us? Our power, as a team?" Tadashi could practically hear the gears turning in Kei's head as he considered the silent conversation they were having.

"We can practice," Kei eventually relented, nudging Tadashi so they can get going again. "We do have a lot of things to work on."

Silence almost settled once again, but Kei just spoke softly. "Sorry. And thanks. I was worried. I worried a lot. But I know you'll be okay. You're strong."

"We're strong." Tadashi corrected, intertwining their fingers together as he swung them back and forth gently. He smiled, bumping into him and laughing when he bumped back.

"When I get the approval from the doctor to play, Tsukki, I'm gonna make you practice receiving my serve so hard you'll drop to the floor, and I'll have to carry you home."

"Hah, not if you can't hit any spikes past my blocks."

"You're on."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I couldn't find a place to describe it well, but Tsukki and Yama were with Yama's parents on the way to somewhere, probably somewhere fun. They all got into a car accident because of it, but only Yama was the one who sustained major injuries. (I haven't had time to do a whole lot of research on this either, so I'm sorry if anything seems odd to you!)


	5. Maybe it's too late.

Kei fidgeted, adjusting the straps of his backpack as his mother started making him his lunch for his field trip. He watched as she arranged his favorite meats, veggies, and other assortments of food just the way he liked it. He was excited, nervous, and overall anxious for what's to come, as he wasn't sure how it was going to go. He had only hoped his mother wouldn't comment on his state. Mostly on his eyes, which looked too bright when he observed himself in the mirror after a night of tossing and turning, and inevitable little to no sleep.

Luckily for him, she only handed him his finished bento, grasping his hand with a small smile that made him feel seven again, reminding him of her soothing words and tight embraces that never felt suffocating like the crowds that drove him to panic. Through those two actions, he just smiled back, feeling her love and concern swell up within him.

"I'll be fine, Mom," he reassured, answering her unspoken worries and concerns. Ever since that first incident, he's been incredibly wary of going out aside from school; it took his brother telling him about his volleyball matches to finally coax him out of the house, but not without having both his parents at his side, holding their hands as he trembled with excitement and anxiousness all the same. He only felt warm now. "I have my headphones, and Tadashi'll be here too."

She finally relented, but not before ruffling his hair fondly, earning an undignified squawk from him, and he muttered something about Akiteru having done the same thing ten minutes prior before he had left for school himself. She only laughed, hugging him close and he reluctantly did the same, hands grasping at the soft fabric as uncertainty rode up again.

"Go have fun out there, Kei. I believe you will," and she sent him off with one last affectionate kiss on the forehead, and as Kei walked over to where Yamaguchi waited outside, feeling floaty and comfy all over. He was exhausted, but he felt like he could ride this adrenaline train all the way until he returned home.

"Morning, Tsukki!" The boy's smile only fueled his determination, and he returned the greeting with a nod, ready to tackle the day ahead of them.

* * *

Of course, when he felt his throat go dry at all the kids milling around him, he felt as if his earlier conviction died with the arrival of the buses. Multiple buses indicated that it wasn't just their class that was attending.

It's not like he was uncomfortable with them. It's only been a couple months, and he grew accustomed to their chatter. But the collective buzzing from his class _and_ the other classes in his year gave him a small reminder of why he had never attended field trips before now.

He never told Yamaguchi either, about how he felt in crowded spaces. But he felt as if the other boy knew, from how he steered him away from busy areas whenever they were out, or dragged him to the lone tree in the far corner of the courtyard to just sit and talk during lunch. Maybe he was like that too. Kei didn't really care, he was just grateful for the way his friend grabbed his hand and held it, effectively distracting him from focusing on the noise, and making their way to their bus, where they had already been signed up to sit next to each other. He didn't even remember where they were headed, not until the rest of his class piled on, and they were sitting snug against each other near the end of the bus, and Yamaguchi was chattering excitedly about their trip.

'_Shiroishi Castle_,' he managed to pick apart in his friend's words. Recalling that part of this field trip was for the historical learning, he let out a small sigh. That meant he had to pay attention, and he wasn't sure how well he could do that if it took all his energy just to stop himself from losing it.

He didn't realize he was shaking until Yamaguchi laid a hand on his shoulder, concern billowing in the muddy recesses of his eyes.

"Tsukki?" he called softly, bringing him back from whatever hell he had almost gone to with just his thinking. Kei let out a breath, lifting his hand to grasp the other's as he took out his headphones and MP3 player, fumbling with the cords. Not letting go, Yamaguchi used his free hand to help him with it, and Kei already felt better with sound occupying his ears.

They stayed like that the entire ride, and Kei felt calm enough to brave whatever the field trip would throw at him.

Until his headphones had to be given to the teacher for the duration of the time they were gonna be there, and Kei felt naked. He felt exposed, vulnerable, and he knew Yamaguchi didn't like what just happened either. For just a brief moment, he was scared that Yamaguchi was upset because it meant he had to take care of him instead of Kei relying on his music.

He absolutely hated being an inconvenience.

Yamaguchi only grasped his hand once more, grounding Kei from his thoughts. They met up with their class, and Kei noticed how the building towered over him, and it felt much different from when he looked up at the school or any other building he was to enter. It just reminded him yet again, that even though his class was to arrive, they were not the only ones here. Case in point, as buses began to line up behind them, their engines causing a jolt of fear to run through him, and Tadashi only squeezed his hand, letting him know he was there.

* * *

_Maybe it's too late,_ Kei thought. No, it was definitely too late. He thought he was strong enough, yet the second the classes dispersed, surrounding him and washing over him like a tsunami, he was ashamed at how fear gripped him tightly. It was 3 years ago when this first happened, when he got lost and all he could see was people towering over him, moving with a ferocity and urgency that knocked him over. He was seven all over again, and he tried his best to tear away from the crowd, running and pushing past them, the chatter from each and every single one of them filling his head, and he couldn't see. He had lost Yamaguchi, too, because he couldn't stand being there any longer, and he pulled away, unable to distinguish his voice from the crowd. 

He somehow navigated himself to a small alcove hidden from view, and he sank down against the wall, happy that no one else was nearby, but scared for the same reason. It was stupid, he repeated in his head. It was stupid that he felt so overwhelmed from crowds, but loneliness was fighting with that overwhelmed feeling. He was scared to be alone, but didn't want to be surrounded by people.

He wondered if Yamaguchi moved on, or was out there searching for him. He hoped desperately that he didn't tell a supervisor or anyone of that nature. He didn't think he could handle the embarrassment of being picked up, everyone's eyes watching him, wondering why the tall, quiet kid was leaving such a fun trip.

He felt as if his chest was going burst.

That's when arms wrapped around him, and he jumped, looking around wildly before realizing Yamaguchi was talking to him in a low, hushed voice.

"Tsukki, I'm so glad I found you, I was so worried! I know you've been tired, you probably didn't get enough sleep like usual, you silly. But seeing all those people made me nervous for you, and–"

Kei only half-registered the words that were flowing into his head, and as Yamaguchi hugged him, all he could think of was his mother's warm embrace, and he closed his eyes tightly, focusing on the boy's words, grateful for the white noise that was battling his dark thoughts. He thought of clouds, and how slow they would pass over him, when in reality, they moved pretty fast. He used the techniques he learned all those years ago, slow breaths, inhale through his nose, exhale through his mouth.

It took him a good while to calm down, but Yamaguchi was there with him every step of the way, reminding him to breathe every time he started shaking or his eyes snapped open.

_Screw the field trip,_ he thought, as Yamaguchi pulled back, but held his hands all the same. How many times had they done this today?

Kei found he really didn't care, as the white noise came to a stop and was replaced with smiles full of sunshine and chatter that weaved pleasantly through his mind, as he agreed to join back up with their class before worry ensued. It was all because of him that he was alright now, not a full 100%, but as long as he was there, he would be okay enough to continue, and maybe actually enjoy the trip this time.

Yamaguchi was there, and will always be, as he reassured himself with a warm hug, and promises to not let go as their hands linked.


	6. Why are you leaving?

It was no small feat to admit that Yamaguchi Tadashi, had a crush on his best friend, Tsukishima Kei. But it was even harder for him to think that, maybe, Kei liked him back.

Tadashi just didn't want to lose the one friend he had over a silly crush. His best friend, he thought to himself. Kei never said otherwise, but he knew that they both thought the same of the other. Even if it's just a label, Tadashi cherished it more than anything, and he couldn't let go of it, he wouldn't let himself. He didn't want to know what rejection could be like. Or worse, scorn and hate.

He was prepared to keep that secret with him to the grave, if he could have. He was proud of himself, for not acting on it either. He acted the same as he always does, but sometimes, when he felt like he deserved to spare a little selfishness every now and then, he'd stare longingly at Kei when he wasn't looking. Admiring the way his hair curled at the nape of his neck, but only that much. He refused to look at his lips, or think about what it would be like to run his hands through his curly hair, or cuddle or anything like that. Anything to stop himself from falling out of his own control.

Tadashi, trying so hard to hide as he was, was surprised when Kei, who was over at his house for a sleepover, dropped his phone on the desk he was sitting at. The clattering of the device on the wooden surface alerted him, and he placed his DS on his pillow, raising his eyebrows as the other shoved his phone away, causing it to slide into a pile of papers Tadashi hadn't brought himself to be able to care about enough to clean up.

"Tsukki? What's wrong?" The bespectacled boy said nothing, only moving to stand up and start packing his things. The actions caused Tadashi to spring up from his bed, and lay a hand on his wrist in concern. "Tsukki!"

Kei only whacked his hand away, and Tadashi quickly stepped back, gingerly rubbing his hand as though he had been burnt, with the sting already disappearing as quickly as it had come. He continued packing, and Tadashi moved to go look at his phone, and was shocked to see Akiteru's profile page, which he thought Kei had originally blocked after that incident. He was also shocked to see it, because the most recent photo uploaded was of Akiteru and the Little Giant, the former ace of Karasuno, kissing.

He didn't know what to feel, especially not after Kei's reaction. Raising his head to look at the other boy, whose face was flushed, yet his expression was unreadable as he zipped up his bag.

"Tsukki, are you leaving?"

Silence was his answer. Tadashi tried again, before Kei could slip through his grasp.

"What's wrong, Tsukki?" Repeating his question from earlier.

"-o that," he was mumbling to himself, and Tadashi huffed, frowning petulantly.

"Tsukki!"

"What?!" Kei exploded on him, arms outstretched and fists clenched in exasperation, and Tadashi had automatically taken a step back in alarm, watchig his face twist in confusion, a stark contrast to his actions.

They stared at each other, neither breaking their gaze before Tsukki whirled around and broke free from the mental chain that Tadashi seemed to have on him, bolting out the door, and the boy had to rush after him, grabbing his phone in the process.

"Tsukki! Why are you leaving!?" he called, frustration bubbling up within him as he chased after his friend, slamming the door behind them as frost began to fly around him. It was snowing, and the fool didn't even bring his coat with him. He bit his lip, and pushed himself to run faster, cursing his short stature compared to that of Kei's.

He managed to catch up in a few seconds, yelling his name and tackling him to the ground, which he made sure was full of snow to prevent any injuries. Kei let out a groan, his glasses shoved into his face and his bag uncomfortablly pressing into his stomach.

"Yamaguchi, get _off_." he growled, struggling to release himself from the other's tight grip.

"No! Not until you tell me what's wrong!" Tadashi yelled, but quieted down at his wincing. "You don't get to leave without telling me why," he whispered, feeling his anger ebb away into worry and fear. "And you left your phone behind, too. Was what you saw so bad?"

Kei shoved him off, having successfully rolled over and scooting back just a little, not caring for the snow that he covered himself in. Tadashi made a noise, but moved to sit in the same manner, continuing their staring contest from before.

It took a while for Kei to answer him.

"You saw. You know for yourself." Kei concluded, shaking off the droplets that had melted on top of his glasses. Tadashi threw his own jacket at him, knowing the boy couldn't handle the cold as well as he could.

"But what was so _bad_ about it," he stressed, not wanting to go into further detail. He didn't want to have to explain why he was so pushy with this, he just wanted to know if there ever was a chance, in the future. "Was it because of your brother, the Little Giant, or something else?"

He decided he didn't like the way his eyes flashed, and Kei started to wring his fingers together in the way he does when he's nervous or unsure of something.

"That #10 stole his spot. Akiteru was supposed to be the ace. And I can't believe that he would kiss him." Tadashi couldn't believe his ears. He knew Kei wasn't stupid. Surely, this was just a ruse and he was just ignoring the real reason why he was so upset by this revelation.

"So you're pushing yourself onto him? I know you idolized him and everything — I did too, you know that — but why are you jealous for him? Because you can't forgive the Little Giant for stealing Akiteru-kun's place?" Kei's stare turned harsh, but Tadashi was unrelenting, not regretting a single word he said. Was this too much?

It seemed to be so, since Kei clicked his tongue in annoyance, throwing his head to the side so he couldn't meet his eyes anymore. He had some shame now at least, to not blow up in his face over this. So Tadashi decided he would leave that conversation for another day, shoulders sagging as he dreaded the answer to his next question.

"Forget it, then. We won't mention that part. Really, I just..." he paused, catching himself as he raised his hand to chew on his nails. "Never mind. I wasn't going to say anything." Kei gave him a stare of his own, clearly calling him out on his hypocrisy with his raised eyebrows alone.

"Just spit it out already, Yamaguchi. I'm tired, freezing cold, and you can't possibly say anything to make me feel any worse." At that, Tadashi stood up, noticing how cold he felt, and pulled Kei to his feet as well, helping him dust off the few stray snow specks that he could. In a rare moment of determination — when it came to dealing with his feelings for the boy — he grabbed his hands, meeting his gaze.

"Okay then, Tsukki," he started, intertwining their fingers together and pushing down any sort of blush that tried to rise to his face. "Is it because they're both men? Is that why you're so upset?" His voice turned soft, and he gave an equally vulnerable blink at him. "Is that it?"

He watched as Kei gripped his hands, tense, and sweaty. He hoped that he wasn't trying to sugarcoat words, he hated when he did that to consider his feelings, he told him as much, way back then. Knowing him, he was feeling more distressed than he let on, and Tadashi's heart ached the longer he kept silent.

"It's... It's just that I didn't know you could do that. Be together with someone of the same gender. And because it was Akiteru, who lied to me — to us — for years, I couldn't help but hate him more." Tadashi stared at him with a look that said he didn't believe that he hated Akiteru. Kei continued anyways. "He gets to be happy. Despite all that's happened, he already moved on, he probably forgot about me, and that's why he can kiss the Little Giant." His voice lowered, as if to hide the slight tremble that made Tadashi remember that he was the only one who ever saw him this way. Vulnerable, insecure, and compassionate Kei.

"It makes me wonder if I cared too much, for not being able to get over this, for being so horrible to you despite your insistence to stay by my side, to feel jealous once again that someone else now occupies my brother's thoughts. We were a team. You know how awful I felt for feeling like that towards you when we first met, but you're my best friend. This guy... I don't even know him," he looked as if he had more to say, but tired of that particular path of discussion already. With a shake of his head, Tadashi could tell it took all of Kei's energy to keep his voice steady as he spoke words that broke his heart.

"If Akiteru can be happy, could I ever be happy too?"

In his eyes, Tadashi saw himself. He saw the child that struggled to see anything good about himself, and he knew without a doubt that recent events took its heavy toll on Kei's heart, petrifying it, and keeping it behind many chains and locks. In the way his hands trembled, he recognized how he would stare at his hands any time he had come close to doing anything drastic, and shuffled away, thankful for his cowardice. In the way a single tear had rolled down his cheek, Tadashi felt all the feelings Kei kept bottled up for months, even with Tadashi's gentle prodding over time that gave way to reluctant acceptance.

He hugged Kei, conveying all that he felt with that one embrace. His worry for him. His gratitude for him. His ever blooming love for him, that had grown each and every day.

"Oh, Kei. Of course you can be happy. You just have to start out small."

He would have kept his secret to the grave, but now, he thought that maybe, he could let it loose some time in the future. When fresh wounds became scars, only reminders of what happened in the past.


	7. Give me another chance.

"Give me another chance."

I never thought that these would be the first words I said to him. After all these years — really, it was only four — when Yamaguchi Tadashi showed his face in Tokyo, that would be the first thing to escape my mouth.

Nice job, Kei.

It was pretty anti-climactic at first. Who would have thought that we would meet again in a small, no-name convenience store, after years of not talking.

But I suppose that was my fault.

"T-Tsukki?"

Seeing him whip around, that one piece of hair that never seemed to stay down no matter how hard he tried, his face twisting in confusion, and hearing his voice say the nickname I only ever let him call me, it made my heart swell. As cheesy as that is, I don't think I could act on that now, at this time, at this place. I coughed into my fist.

"...Hi, Yamaguchi."

Shock gave away to awkwardness, and I wasn't sure if I saw bitterness flash on his face, or if I was just imagining things. I used to be able to read him well. 

He just turned around, going to pay for his items. It looked like he was buying groceries.

"So, you live here now?" I tried again, and he took his items, said a hasty thank you, and left as quickly as possible. I don't blame him.

But there's no way in hell I'll let him go again, not when he's just within my grasp. I bid a farewell to the cashier, apologizing for not buying anything, and hurried after Yamaguchi.

"Yamaguchi!" I called, the chill of night causing me to sneeze as I started running to catch up to him.

"What do you _want_, Tsukishima?"

The way he spat out that name like it was poison was enough to make me stop in my tracks, and I just watched as he slowly turned around, his eyes blazing.

"It's been years," he started, voice low and shaking with anger. "It's been years of no contact, and you finally see me, and now you suddenly want me to give you another chance. I waited. I waited so long, Tsukishima. You never answered my calls or texts. Not even a birthday message. When you rejected me during our third year, I thought everything would eventually be okay, because you asked for me to wait for you. I did just that. Now you suddenly appear, ruining everything I've built up these past few years in your absence. That's pretty fucking selfish, you know."

He was right. No matter how many times I tried to deny it, I really was the root cause of our fall out. But how could I have said that it was because I was too busy trying to ignore the distance between us?

When he confessed to me that day at my house, I told him that I needed some time to think. Not an hour. Not a day. Not a week. Not even a month was enough. I needed time to sort through my feelings. And deal with the fact that, if we did get together then, it would hurt so much more to part when I inevitably left for Tokyo University, while he stayed in Miyagi. We knew of each other's plans, and Yamaguchi even tried to convince me that if we made it happen, we could make it work.

But I was a coward, too feeble yet selfish to act before it was too late.

"I don't want to see you anymore." Yamaguchi said quietly, but stayed rooted to his spot, watching me. His expression changed from bitterness to shock, to worry that he seemed to fight over in his mind. 

"Don't do that, Tsukki," he began, starting towards me as his voice trembled. "You don't get to cry when you didn't make an effort. You don't get to cry, because you didn't experience the hell that I went through." He looked like he was going to cry.

I lifted my hand to my face, surprised to feel a wetness.

"I... I'm sorry," I choked out, trying to wipe away the tears that stupidly gave away my feelings just like that. Stupid Kei. "I didn't mean – I was just afraid, and I know that's no reason to – fuck," I let out a sob, shoving my hands into my face, rubbing my palms into my face until I could see stars. "I'm so fucking sorry, Tadashi. I shouldn't have done that."

I pulled my hands away, to see Yamaguchi trembling with some unknown emotion before me, hands clenched at his sides. He was staring at me, upset.

"Tsukki," he began. "I've always been the one to lead when it came to actions or talking to you about something. But now you took that first step, in getting my attention in this chance meeting. I'll admit, I almost did something when I saw you crying – Tsukki, you gotta understand. I never saw you cry, not even all those years ago, god — but you have to do it now. I know you need it. You know you want it. So do it." he outstretched his arms, a pout set on his face. I felt like laughing.

But I didn't laugh. I only wrapped my arms around him, feeling genuinely warm for the first time since we parted ways.

"About your offer," Yamaguchi mumbled into my shoulder, sounding business-like. "I'd love to do that for you, but let's be best friends again first. Tell me about your life, Tsukki! Let's hang out again!"

"Let's be together again," I heard the unspoken words ring clearly in my mind. I just nodded, holding him closer.

"I'll wait for you as long as it takes. And I won't ever let you go, either."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'm honestly terrible at remembering this should be purely angst, but oh well :')


	8. I love you.

Tadashi wished confidence came easily to him. It was still something he was working on, little by little, bit by bit. Whether it was asking for a treat while shopping with his parents, or standing up to those that teased him for the way he looked. He tried channeling that fear and low self-esteem every time, into something he could use. Anger and defiance, to face his bullies. Thinking about how much he wants a certain something when it came to asking for anything.

He tried so hard to love himself, and he wasn't sure if he could see any results. But he would never give up, there was never a time where he gave up on anything. Took the easy way out, sure. But completely giving up? Nah. That wasn't who he wanted to be. So even on his worst days, the days where he couldn't even get out of bed, he always had help. Kei would always be there to help him, take care of him, and even push him to do things himself while supporting him from the sidelines.

Tadashi wasn't fully confident in himself, but he was trying. With Kei by his side, it was even easier to keep at it. The effort he put behind it was what matters. He wanted to love himself, so he could have love to give away to Kei as well. He wanted so desperately to tell him how much he loved him now, but to do that without taking care of some, if not most, of his mental and emotional baggage first, would be downright selfish. Tadashi would never wish that on Kei.

He tells himself one thing he likes about himself every day. If he can't think of anything, he draws something happy in the journal he keeps specifically for this reason. It was just the little things to keep him afloat, and Kei was there every step of the way.

Some years pass, and he thought he was doing well enough. Well enough to communicate his love to Kei through small actions, such as buying him his favorite strawberry shortcake, or give him a hug every time they part ways at the end of the day. Saying it was hard still, and he usually opted for thanking him for no particular reason, just to convey his gratitude for his best friend.

And of course, on the day that he planned for months, the day he was looking forward to so much, the day he decided he would finally say how much he loved him, fate, destiny, the alignment of the stars, it all denied him any possibility to do so.

"Please wake up, Tsukki."

Tadashi's body was wracked with sobs as he held Kei's seemingly lifeless hand, his elbows on the bed before him and his head shoved onto the mattress, not caring for the mess he caused. He held onto that warmth, trying to drown out the beeping of the machines all around him, the machines that kept Kei in this world despite his comatose state.

He's been there since the accident, stubbornly refusing to leave his side until he had to be dragged away. He hated how useless he felt the second the driver of that accursed car sped away, leaving behind nothing but smoke and a heavy, sinking feeling in Tadashi's heart.

"Don't blame yourself," he had to whisper over and over. "Don't undo years of hard work." Clasping Kei's hand in both of his own, he sniffled. "You're strong, Tadashi. Don't do this. Tsukki would be mad at you." At his own words, he burst into tears yet again, and he finally pulled away to avoid ruining the wires that ran across the bed, keeping tabs on Kei's condition.

His family and Kei's had been here earlier, and he was strong for them. He successfully managed to push past the whimpering that he wanted so desperately to let loose. Even if they worried for him, he didn't want them to have any added stress when Kei was reason enough to be upset.

He wasn't even sure when he would wake up.

What he wouldn't give to hear his breathy laugh, see his warm smile, and his eyes light up at the sight of his favorite things. The way he leaned forward in attention when something intrigued him, the callouses on his hands from years and years of playing volleyball, and how he wrung his hands together when he was nervous.

Tadashi missed every part of Kei, and he wished he could have seen the part that would have reacted to Tadashi's words. But it's all he can do, to mutter those words over and over, knowing it would fall on deaf ears.

"I love you."


	9. Do you still love her?

Kei thought he had enough time.

Time for what? He wasn't really sure, he was never sure, until this moment.

Watching his best friend interact with their manager, he realized that he was in love with him. He was in love with the way his eyes shined with admiration when complimenting him, the way he went quiet when he was concentrating on something, and the way he drooled on his pillow every time they had a sleepover together. It was endearing. Kei thought everything about him was endearing.

He wondered if Yachi thought the same thing about him. He wondered if she appreciated his outgoing, go-getter attitude that differed greatly from Hinata's, despite being of similar personality. (Kei knew how different he was. He just wondered if Yachi knew.)

He thought about how much better Tadashi was at communicating with others, earning him many friends on the team. Compared to Kei, who constantly taunted and riled up his teammates, and was usually reluctantly compliant when it came to some of their demands. Perhaps that was why so many people flocked to Yamaguchi, even when it was just them two together. It's not like he was jealous.

He was never jealous. Envious, maybe. Never jealous. He hadn't figured his feelings out before now. But hearing Yachi and Tadashi laugh at an inside joke the two shared made him hesitate on that thought. He resumed his solo overhand passing practice, watching the ball soar into the air and drop down onto his outstretched fingers. He idly wondered if this would help when he sets, the few times that he does when Kageyama gets the first touch.

It wasn't that Tadashi getting close to other people was the problem. Kei knew he was much more social than he was, and it's not like Tadashi even owed him any time. But ever since he heard Tadashi mumbling about how cute Yachi was ever since they first met, he could never really stop thinking about it. About the potential of Yachi and Tadashi getting together, and how much it caused his stomach to churn.

Holding the ball near his forehead after catching it, he turned towards Tadashi's general direction, only to notice that Kinoshita had been added into the duo's conversation. It looked as if the two boys were talking about another topic, supposedly their serves, he guessed. Seeing as he was busy, he glanced around the gym, spotting Sugawara in the far corner, drinking some water. Making his way over, he dismissed the way surprise settled onto the setter's face, and asked to help him with setting, hands wrapped in one another.

"Oh? Tsukishima, you're coming to your senpai for help? You don't want to ask Kageyama?" He was deeply unsettled by the smirk on his face, and he fidgeted, shifting his weight between his feet.

Kei made sure he had the most displeased, disgusted look on his face, and Sugawara just laughed, hearty and good-natured as he repeatedly patted (more like whacked) him on the shoulder.

"Hahaha, just joking! Don't mind, don't mind. It'd be nice if you two could get along, though. I wouldn't mind seeing someone other than Yamaguchi hang around you. Not that that's a bad thing, of course," he said, gesturing to the trio of excited teens. It seemed like Tadashi couldn't receive Kinoshita's serve, and he was immensely in awe over it, alongside Yachi. "I honestly think I'd start crying if you could just relax around us."

"Sugawara-san, please don't be so dramatic," he requested in the most deadpan voice he could muster, pushing his glasses up from the tip of his nose before he started walking to an unoccupied side of the court.

Kei was good at hiding emotions, he knew this. Tadashi could read him well most of the time, but he was the exception. So why did Sugawara give him a look that seemed pitying? How could he have known what was going through his mind? He didn't want his pity.

* * *

Kei thought he had more time.

Tadashi chattered on as he usually did on their way home, and Kei dutifully listened, yet couldn't focus on a single word he was saying. All he could hear was "Yachi-chan this" and "Yachi-chan that". He sounded so happy talking about her. Kei should be happy for him. But all he could think about was Tadashi slipping from his grasp before he could gather the courage and selfishness to keep him to himself.

"Do you still love her?"

It didn't hit Kei that it was him that said that out loud, not until he noticed Tadashi had stopped, in both conversation and walking, giving him a strange look. But his face was flushed red, and Kei knew the answer to his absent-minded, reckless question before he could say a word.

"W-Where did that come from all of a sudden, Tsukki? Who are you talking about?" Kei blinked, feeling irritation rise up. This is what he gets, for being an oblivious coward. He can't think of any ideal outcome, and he just jerked his head forward, indicating he was going to keep walking.

"Yachi-san. Didn't you mention you had a crush on her?"

It pained Kei to see that abashed smile that was usually reserved for the apologies he never meant. Now he could never see it the same again.

"Y-You remember that? Ahaha... As expected of you, Tsukki. Nothing ever gets past you." Kei made a noncommittal noise, wondering if he should just hit the nail on the head while he was at it. Make it official. Make it so he doesn't fuck it all up, fuck up the friendship between the two of them, just because he couldn't get his shit together.

"So that's a yes, then," he started, looking down towards the few centimeters he had on Tadashi. "I'm not good at this kind of thing, you know that, but because your obvious pining is annoying to watch," he was going to regret this. But he didn't want to suddenly see them together without any sort of warning.

"Did you want help in getting together with her?"

Kei thought he didn't deserve that time.

As he watched the two of them hold hands, heading home together, hugging, doing everything Kei wished he could have done with Tadashi, he couldn't help but try his best to drown out his thoughts with music as he walked home alone.

If only he had known he had been out of time for the longest while.


	10. Don't leave me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW: Implied character death**

Tadashi trotted through the forest, eyes wide open and on high alert for anything that may come by as he searched for firewood. He wasn't sure how much he could gather, but it was all he could do at the moment to soothe his nerves.

It was his first time camping alone.

It's not like he was really alone, though. His service dog, Hachiko, was with him, ready to defend him or lead him away from danger should anything come to pass. Fear rumbled quietly in the back of Tadashi's mind, and he pressed on, keeping his goal a priority. Never mind the strange noises around him. Never mind the way the sun was slowly but steadily beginning to set, taking with it what precious light it gave off.

Hachiko whined, knowing that it would be dark soon. Tadashi slowed his light jog to a halt, leaning over on his knees as he tried to catch his breath.

"Hachiko," he started, wiping the sweat off his brow. "What's the way back to camp?"

The shiba inu took a second to sniff around the area, before whining once again. Tadashi looked around, and found he couldn't tell any of the trees apart from one another. They all had the same amount of branches, and the leaves on the ground were brittle and similar, like the trees. Hachiko couldn't even find the scent that they were following, nor the scent of their own selves.

Tadashi sat down on a nearby stump, a stump right in the middle of the small clearing they had found themselves in, trying to clear his mind so he wouldn't worry himself into an anxiety attack.

Maybe this was a bad idea.

Maybe he shouldn't have tried so hard to push for a chance at independence.

He was just glad Hachiko stubbornly refused to let him go unless he took her along with him.

"Hey."

Tadashi's head snapped up, and he saw a face that looked all too familiar to him. It caused him to shiver, and he rubbed his arms, Hachiko staring at the tall stranger that had appeared. She didn't even hear any noises beforehand.

"Tsu-" Tadashi began, unable to believe his eyes. The stranger only turned around, looking back at him with an expectant gaze.

"You want to get back to your tent, right? Follow me." Tadashi jumped up, alerting Hachiko. The two decided to follow the stranger, and Tadashi found himself to be tongue-tied. He had no idea what to say. He thought that maybe he had hated him. That's why he left. He didn't like him, it was all a lie, and...

Tadashi's face grew sour, and Hachiko nudged his hand, pulling him back to reality. He shook his head, continuing after the stranger that looked so much like his former friend. It was really weird, and he wasn't sure what to do.

"Um–" he attempted, before being cut off by a glare. He jumped, and Hachiko curled her tail around his leg, barking. "Tsuk–"

"Don't say my name," he replied briskly, and Tadashi quieted down, biting his lip.

It only took them a few minutes to get back to camp, and Tadashi had never felt so relieved. Turning around to the stranger, he bowed in gratitude.

"Next time, don't come here alone. It's dangerous here." Tadashi only pointed at Hachiko in response.

"I have Hachiko." The snort the other gave was enough to ruffle his feathers, just a bit.

"Hahah, but you two couldn't find your way back on your own. Here," he handed him some logs, which he had kept tucked underneath his arm. When did he get those? "It should last you a couple days, as long as you remember to keep it contained well and light it when you need it."

The full moon shone bright in the sky, and Tadashi gazed up at it, remembering the nights they shared before his sudden disappearance. Even if he was rude to him, he had never given him a reason why. He never told him why he left, just that he was annoying. He had taken it to heart then. But the nights they spent stargazing, talking about every constellation they could see. He knew they both enjoyed it. He never once argued with that in mind. But if he was here now, then–

"Please, stay here," he pleaded, moving to grab the person's hand. He only stepped back, and gave him a smile. A smile that broke Tadashi's heart. "Don't give me that look, I forgive you, you dummy, just stay here, and don't–" he choked on his next few words.

"Sorry, Tadashi. But I already left. I can't come back, not ever again." Tadashi only grew more frantic, taking another step towards him as he took another step back. "I'm sorry I never told you. I'm sorry I lied to you."

"What do you mean? It's okay, don't worry about it! We can just be friends again, and then–" he ran forth, trying to tackle him down. But he fell forward on the ground, his hands reaching nothing, and he was trying to process what happened. Shaking the leaves off his body, he sat up, staring up at the seemingly ghostly entity above him. He still wore that sad smile, and Tadashi was thrown back in his mind.

Searching for a reason, for any memory, until he remembered the quiet whispers between his friend's parents, the ones he saw them share as they played outside, oblivious to the world. The way his friend sometimes had to sit down, and take a break. The way he would disappear from school for days on end.

Tadashi had just thought he was sick with the flu, or something. He never got an answer when he asked. Had it always been something more? If so, why did he never trust him with it? He felt a sinking feeling, and he quickly stood back up, looking him in the eye.

"So, you're just..."

"Yeah."

"And you won't..?"

"No. I can't. It took all I could to help you, even if it was just a little."

"Oh."

"I do regret never telling you, though. You deserved better than me."

"I never wanted anyone other than you. I don't care if you think I deserved better. You're my best friend. You mean everything to me."

The person just laughed, but not at Tadashi's words. It was a wet, choked up laugh. Something he had never heard before, and he wondered just how much of these emotions he held back from him. "Time's up, now. I'm glad we could make some sort of amends, Tadashi."

Tadashi sprung forward, making another attempt to grab his hand as Hachiko started barking quietly, unaware of what was going on. He was surprised to actually feel skin, and he met his gaze, tears beginning to stream from his face.

"You can't. Not again. Don't leave me, Tsukki."

But all he had for a response was a sudden chill, and familiar glasses thrust into his hands, and a note saying, "Sorry I couldn't leave a better memento."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I don't even know what this is, when I wrote it I wrote half of it in the span of 30 min. at night, so it's kinda Odd.


	11. This isn't the way I thought it would be.

It was loud, unfamiliar, and everyone knew him, even though he didn't know them.

Kei absentmindedly nodded at some words that were thrown at him, feeling as if he was making a mistake the more he went on. Laughter could be heard around him, light and carefree, while all he could feel was impending doom. An unknown voice shouted his name, and he tried not to grimace, only keeping his face impassive at best.

"Hey, Tsukishima-kun, tell us an embarrassing boyfriend story about Tadashi!" Someone asks out of nowhere, clapping his hand on Kei's shoulder. Kei thinks his name was Nazuya.

"Well, I would, but–" he started, trying his hardest not to pull away from the unwanted contact.

"Tsukki! There you are!" Kei's shoulders unintentionally sagged with relief as his friend, no, his best friend, but now, his fake boyfriend came bounding over, two cups of juice sloshing about in his hands. Tadashi handed him a cup, and Kei took that opportunity to slip away from maybe-Nazuya's grasp, taking his place right next to Tadashi.

"You better not be making him uncomfortable, Nezayu." That was his name. Kei preferred Nazuya. It rolled off the tongue better. The aforementioned boy only laughed, waving his hand nonchalantly.

"No, no, not at all! I just wanted to see if he had any dirt on you, seeing as this is the first time we've met him and you've guys been friends for how long? I can't believe you've been hiding him – and your relationship with him, you go, Tadashi! – for so long!"

Kei just fiddled with the phone in his pocket, wanting to take it out, if not for his music, then to just scroll aimlessly through his social media, to fill his mind. Thankfully, Tadashi noticed his discomfort, and steered him away from the noise, and he just let out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

Once they were in a semi-private area, because you can never truly escape anyone in a family reunion, Tadashi clasped his hands together in apology.

"Sorry, Tsukki! I know I said some of my family members were overbearing, but I didn't think Nezayu would find you so quickly right after the two terrors! I hope he didn't say too much to you." Kei just shrugged, sinking down into the chair he found himself in.

"It's fine. I can handle myself, but thank you for getting me out of there anyways." He mentally checked off a list of people he had met already. Tadashi's aunt, who peppered him with kisses that he absolutely despised, the two prankster twins who were dead set on snatching his glasses away, and now the overly curious and unknowingly invasive Nezayu-san. There were others as well, but Kei was sure he met them all by now.

"So they're okay at the very least, right? I only meet them once a year, but they're always crazy." Tadashi smiled gingerly, most likely thinking of the chaos that had ensued as it always does, in his words.

Kei paused, thinking about the arrangement as a whole. In all his years of knowing Tadashi he has never once attended any of his family reunions, out of respect for their familial privacy and then out of bitterness, because seeing other people's family made him feel more sour towards his own. Even now, when his feelings towards his own family was steadily progressing towards a more positive note, he was never planning on intruding these events. Until Tadashi spoke up one day, harrowed and anxious, talking of how he needed someone to pretend to be his boyfriend, just so his family would get off his back for one year.

Kei didn't know why he agreed, when he knew that he was in love with Tadashi and have been for the past few years. He was pretty good at keeping it under wraps though, and convincing himself that they were just best friends. It hurt him to have to pretend though, but he was a coward first and foremost. It took him a long time to get over brushed shoulders, the tips of their fingers touching, or even how he leaned over him sometimes, arm draped around him because he knew Kei didn't mind at all.

He never did. He never has. But with that label on him now, he felt as if he was treading on thin ice, and he was doing his best to daintily traverse across. Because if he broke it, his feelings would be out in the open, Tadashi would hate him, and Kei's carefully crafted world, held up together by meaningless apologies, freckles, french fries, and mountains that stretched as far as the eye could see, would've fallen apart. And he would never, ever risk that.

Tadashi was definitely cooler than him. He didn't know where that admiration for him had come from, or why he even stuck around with his awkward self.

But it was easy. It was easy to pretend, as if nothing had changed between the two of them, save for handholding or other small, affectionate gestures. It was easy, because Tadashi was careful, to never make Kei feel uncomfortable. He owed him a trip to the planetarium, a night of watching all the Jurassic Park movies he wanted, as well as three slices of strawberry shortcake. (He didn't really, but he insisted and Kei retorted right back that he would kill him if he spent that much money for the planetarium.)

It was just hard to keep those feelings at bay.

It was even harder staging their fake break-up in front of his family, with the two in near tears as they fought, and Tadashi's parents pulling them apart. All Kei would think about was the way Tadashi's eyes screamed apologies and the way his throat seemed to have closed up.

The ride back home was quiet, and they "made up" but only with the premise of being friends. Kei laid his head on the window, thinking about the rollercoaster he had been on the entire day, while Tadashi hugged his side, dead asleep and his parents glancing worriedly in the mirror.

He just hope they didn't comment on the few tears that had managed to slip past. It wasn't because of the break-up. It was because he never had a chance in the first place.

* * *

He didn't think he'd still be hung up over it, but he was.

Two weeks later, during a practice match with one of the neighboring high schools, Kei had significantly less energy than usual, and couldn't reach the peak of Kageyama's set for him, evidently sinking to the ground with haggard breaths. It was only their 4th match, and he was exhausted.

So Coach Ukai switched him out with Tadashi, and Ennoshita came over to sit next to him, asking if he was alright.

"I'm fine. I just. I never thought..." Kei paused in his rambling, casting a longing look towards Tadashi as he hit a particularly good spike, earning them the winning point for their second set. Lowering his voice to a whisper, he spoke, not of their current situation, but of the situation that had dragged on and ended abruptly, leaving Kei to wallow in his own self-pity, no matter how much he despised doing so.

"This isn't the way I thought it would be."


	12. I'd rather die.

Tadashi was quite proud of himself, and of Kei. Managing to get into one of the college prep classes was no small feat, and he was even happier to know that he and Kei shared the same class, just as they had for some years prior. It made things easier, to just be able to glance at each other in a quiet moment, and share a smile before pressing on with their work.

They've been discreetly dating for a while now, and Tadashi's heart always fluttered and bloomed pleasantly with each little thing they share. Sometimes it's the tiniest quirk of their mouths, to the hearty bentos Kei's mother always makes, to the headphone splitter that allows them both to listen to Kei's music to their hearts' content, to the warm fabric that dresses them each day. Everything that they had, they shared, and Tadashi couldn't be happier.

So one could imagine his confusion when confronted by a girl in their class asking if she could meet him on the rooftop during lunch. Absolutely bewildered, he looked to Kei for help, but Kei only raised his eyebrow in curiosity. It was also an offer to go with him, or at the very least, tail him if something went wrong. He just smiled reassuringly at him, before shaking his head minutely. It was strange for a girl, or anyone, for that matter, to approach him, especially when he was with Kei, but he was confident he could let her down easily if it was a confession for him, or for Kei. There was no way he could just abandon him, and it never crossed his mind that it might've been something else.

The girl cleared her throat and Tadashi's head snapped up, having forgotten she was there and awaiting an answer.

"I-I'll go," he said, meaning to say her name, but he shamefully realized he didn't even know what it was. Before he could ask for it though, she only chirped out a thanks before running to her group of friends, beginning to whisper amongst themselves.

Tadashi turned back to Kei, sporting a small shrug as he continued to snack on a mint, Kei doing the same with one he had given him just a few minutes prior. They began doodling on a stray page in Tadashi's notebook, eventually moving on to written messages that nearly caused the two of them to choke on their mints in laughter.

\--

At lunch, he bid Kei a farewell, glancing around before leaning in close to press his lips against his forehead. Sporting a cheeky grin, enjoying the way heat rushed to Kei's face, catching his eye before he ran out of the room. Making his way up to the school rooftop, he was confused yet again to not see one girl, but at least four. The leader of the group being the same girl he saw earlier that day. She wore a smile that said he was to listen to what she had to say and not leave before doing so. And because Tadashi was a nice person, he silently complied, walking over to them, trying his best not to seem apprehensive. He ignored the movement in the corner of his eye, and the uneasy feeling settling in his stomach.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" Tadashi got straight to the point, tugging at the sleeve of his gakuran. The girl, just placed her hand on her hip, and spoke fiercely.

"Stay away from Kei-kun, freckle-face," Tadashi bristled, both names causing him to want to turn right around, but he stayed, to listen more. "I want to be his girlfriend, and you're not making it easy with how you hang all over him and follow him around like a lovesick puppy. It's disgusting, and I want you to stop." She threw him a glare that dared him to refuse.

Tadashi, ever so mindful of the shadows hanging behind him, only crossed his arms.

"I would rather die," he began, meeting her eyes just as fiercely. "Than give him up to you. How dare you refer to him so familiarly when you don't know a single thing about him."

Two hands laid upon his shoulders, gripping them tightly, and he knew the movement from before was not imagined at all. The shadows were real. Besides him and the girls, he was not alone. He dared not to look back, but held his ground as the girl's gaze hardened.

"So be it then."

* * *

Tadashi couldn't remember what had happened clearly, only now that Kei held his hand, murmuring curses and worries at him as if he could hear him. He felt numb in multiple places, and on fire in others. It was excruciatingly confusing, and he only smiled at Kei, not caring if that action alone set pain ablaze. He wasn't sure what was going to happen next, if there was anything at all, but he knew Kei had a hand in driving away those brutes. The entire lot of them. He wouldn't be here otherwise, cradling his head as if he were something precious.

All the things in the world he shared with Kei, and he could never share Kei with anyone else.


	13. Why can't we just talk about it-?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soulmate AU!

If you asked Kei, he would say that he didn't believe in soulmates. Never mind the proof in front of him in the form of his parents, who were destined for each other the day they met. There were many kids in his year who got in trouble for writing to their soulmates during class and he thought it was all just a waste of time. Tying yourself down to someone you don't even know? Even if you did get the chance to know them, why go through all the effort for some stranger you've never met in real life?

Kei compared it to forced marriages in his head, not having a choice in the matter. He considered the word soulmate to be taboo, and he told his family as much when he was younger. He didn't want to hear anything of it, no matter how much they tried to coax him into the idea. Even if he was curious, just a little, he was too stubborn to even attempt it.

He knew his supposed soulmate could feel anything he was feeling, or any strong thoughts of his, as well as vice versa. Although unexpected, sometimes he felt surges of fear, excitement, or sadness that made him want to curl up and cry, when he hasn't cried in years. It was annoying, and he made sure to think as much just to make the feeling go away. Maybe that was why his soulmate never wrote to him. He hated the way his mother looked at him during these particular episodes, when it was too much to get out of bed.

This had continued from childhood to his teenage years, and he was glad his soulmate had been able to hide their feelings better. Behind a wall, just like he did. But he did worry, every now and then. It's not like he had a changed attitude, but the subdued sadness that leaked over the walls his soulmate put up was enough to occupy his mind enough that there were pings of curiosity. It was enough for them to notice, at least. So it caught him by surprise to see marks dotted across his arms, seemingly like stars in the night sky, despite the morning light being casted onto it.

He spent the day connecting the dots into shapes of constellations, welcoming the change of pace in his boring routine. He involuntary smiled at the sparks of happiness that filled his head.

So he and his soulmate never spoke, just continuing to draw and doodle nonsensical things half the time. It was comforting in a way, and Kei was glad they started doing it at night, as opposed to the first time. It made it easier for his parents not to call him out on it.

Until his soulmate wrote, "Name?" in small kanji in the crook of his elbow, hidden well by the large t-shirts Kei was accustomed to wearing.

Kei never answered for a couple days, as he was too panicky to even attempt a response. He never thought he would feel nervous, or worry so much, when it came to someone he didn't know. This just proved it was a real person he was connected to, someone who was his meant-to-be. The stars that made his constellation. The light emitting from his moon.

He could tell his soulmate worried a lot too, no matter how hard they tried to hide it. It was weird, how fast he recognized the familiar tugs at his heart, reminding him that this was his chance, and he had to take it.

"Tsukishima Kei." he wrote down, chewing the ends of his nails as he did so. As a precaution, he wrote the furigana beside his given name, so he wouldn't have to deal with the annoyance of explaining that no, his name wasn't Hotaru, that was his father's name. He had enough of it during school and every other real life event, so he wasn't about to ruin this moment by correcting his soulmate over his name.

"Yamaguchi Tadashi." Was the response he had been given, and Kei thought about it. Tadashi was usually a name given to boys, but it's not like he really cared either way. He knew Kei could be taken as a girl's name, but he wasn't going to sate Tadashi's curiosity unless he outright asked.

They continued dancing around the topic of meeting up, especially with more and more clues popping up that they lived closer to each other than they thought. They both attended high school in Miyagi prefecture, their birthdays were 44 days apart, and both had relations to volleyball. Kei hasn't played since middle school, because his motivation for the club had dropped ever since the incident regarding his older brother. But he still attended their games, always absentmindedly wondering what it could've been like to continue playing volleyball. Tadashi was a pinch server for Aoba Johsai, one of his school's rivals.

It was getting dangerous, Kei thought. He didn't want to meet his soulmate, so he never told him anything about his appearance. And in turn, Tadashi never prodded him for it. At least he was considerate, or at the very least, didn't care enough. But he seemed like someone who would.

His world broke down.

"Wanna meet up?" A message was written out of the blue.

"No," a hastily scrawled reply scribbled underneath.

"What? Why? It's been a couple months since we met, Tsukki..." His heart ached with how much he wanted to hear Tadashi say that nickname of his out loud.

"I can't." Kei quickly crossed that out, his finger trembling as he pressed it to his skin. "I don't want to."

"You don't mean that. I can feel it as clear as day." Kei shook his head, his walls crumbling. He was scared, and a high peak of worry that wasn't his own stood out to him.

"Why can't we just talk about it-?" Another message was written underneath, after five minutes of silence. Kei couldn't take it anymore. Everything he had known, he didn't want to lose it all. He was supposed to hate soulmates. He was supposed to hate his soulmate. What the hell happened, for this to get out of control so quickly?

"Don't talk to me again," he quickly responded, before pulling on his favorite star hoodie. The one that reminded him of Tadashi. His arms completely covered, and his mind carefully blank, he laid in his bed, ignoring the itching.

"I'm sorry," he begged in the depths of his mind. "I can't do this, not yet, not yet. Don't hate me. I can't talk to you. I'm afraid of what will happen if I do."


	14. One last time.

Tadashi hated seeing Kei like this. But it wasn't something he could help. It wasn't his fault. It hurt him just as much as it did Kei, maybe even more because he has to witness him like this and feel useless because nothing he can do can help. Whenever they felt sad, they used to toss back and forth to each other, but Tadashi felt as if even saying the word volleyball could cause his demise.

For the nth day in the row, Kei lay on his bed, unmoving as Tadashi sat against it, flipping through a book on dinosaurs that Kei had brought over the other day. He tilted his head back, staring at the ceiling. The silence wasn't unwelcome, he just preferred it if the two could talk again like they used to. And even though he got over the initial shock of having Kei at his house, it didn't really feel nice when he was like this. But he didn't know what to do. Kei always went home at night, Tadashi going with his mother to drop him off at home, and Kei waiting at his house in the morning the next day to start their morning walk to school. During the weekends, Kei slept over.

Tadashi wouldn't be surprised if there was a giant gaping hole in the Tsukishima family, thanks to their sons' tension. Kei never wanted to be home, and he guessed it was so he could see Akiteru as little as possible. With how depressed and avoidant Kei was, and how many times he unintentionally snapped at Tadashi, he always wondered, if this meant things changed.

They were meant to join their volleyball club at Amemaru, after all. But the first year of school alone was tough, and Tadashi endlessly struggled with Kei's 180 in personality. He was always sarcastic, and he sounded like he meant it when he belittled others, when he really could care less. Now he emitted an aura that allowed no one else to attempt to get close to him, save for the shining star that was Tadashi. And his words held a lot of bite to them now. It worried Tadashi to no end.

"Tsukki..." he began one day, instead of chattering as he usually did. Kei cast a side glance his way, expression indifferent but curious to a tiny degree. Tadashi shoved down the anxious feelings in his heart, mind, and body, and exhaled, pretending as if he was throwing it all out with his deep breath.

"Do you want to practice volleyball together this evening?"

* * *

Tadashi wondered if it had been a good idea. They were obviously out of practice, because wherever Kei was, Tadashi was usually. And while Kei personally told him not to mind about his attitude towards volleyball, to pursue it himself if he wanted, he refused, playing games on his DS instead or reading books, watching TV, anything that he could do with Kei or beside him while he took his afternoon nap. He didn't want to leave Kei behind. But seeing Kei's face contort into concentration helped Tadashi realize that it helps, it helps them both to focus on something familiar, feeling the ball soar from their fingers. Passing back and forth was plain and simple, but it grounded him enough to ask Kei a simple question.

"Tsukki, do you want to try joining the volleyball club yet?"

Kei caught the ball, holding it close to his face as he slowly lowered it, looking at Tadashi strangely. The boy only raised his arms for a pass, and he complied, getting back into a comfortable position to throw as they continued their practice.

"No. Not particularly." He answered after a while, voice low but incongruous with his slight smile of self-deprecation. His eyes glittered with laughter, as if he found something funny, but quickly dashed it away as his face fell to a frown.

"Okay." Tadashi accepted, then moving to a different, easier topic for the two of them to get lost in in-between tosses.

* * *

Tadashi tried again during the start of their 2nd year, as they were studying for a test in English Literature. It wasn't so much a test for Kei as it was for him, since Kei had a knack for English that Tadashi couldn't quite pick up. But his mind was anywhere but the words in front of him, the letters mixing together and swirling around on his worksheets. With a sigh, he pushed back his chair to turn to Kei, who was listening to music and writing ever so neatly, as he always does, on his notes.

He seemed better now, as it's been a year and a half since that happened. He no longer camped out at Tadashi's home as much as he did anymore, but it was probably because Akiteru moved away for college that summer. Tadashi wasn't sure how things were going between him and his parents, but Kei never acted any differently when he visited with them around. 

Brows furrowed, Kei looked over at Tadashi, who jolted at being caught staring at him. Averting his eyes as quickly as he could, he just shuffled his papers around, acting nonchalant. But he knew Kei knew he was acting.

"What is it Yamaguchi," he sighed, slipping his headphones off his ears and around his neck as Tadashi looked back at him, abashed. "You keep staring at me like I have something on my face, and you've been fidgeting. So what is it." he demanded, rather than asked.

Unfazed by his tone of voice, yet nervous for the question that was to escape his lips, Tadashi pouted, hoping that would help in Kei's decision. Said boy only raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to speak.

"Tsukki, will you join the volleyball club with me?"

* * *

It just goes to show how determined Tadashi is. After the rejection of his request the year before, he just continued on with his life, working hard at school and keeping up with the few volleyball skills he could alone and with Kei.

It used to be their thing with Akiteru, bumping passes back and forth, underhand and overhand, and they even had some matches with some of the neighborhood kids back then. But now it was just the two of them now. And while Kei was surprisingly adamant about staying away from the club, as well as constantly urging him to join without him, Tadashi just could not do it alone. It wouldn't have felt right. And, even though he rejected him many times before, Kei still stuck around, playing volleyball with him every now and then. Tadashi was happy they could have that, at least.

So now, during lunch, while everyone was chatting and doing their own thing, Tadashi stole a piece of egg from Kei's bento, smirking at him as the boy glared, and stole the umebushi right off of his own bento, sharing the same smirk.

"Tsukki!" he cried, reaching over to whack him on the shoulder, frowning petulantly as Kei just laughed, leaning out of the way as he waved his arm back and forth at him with a satisfied smile. Sitting back down, Tadashi just sighed, before looking at Kei with a resigned look. Suddenly feeling the atmosphere change, Kei righted himself, and waited for Tadashi to speak.

"One last time."

He successfully hid the wince he did at the way Kei's face immediately fell.

"Please, Tsukki. It'd be nice."

His expression never got any better. It didn't go from apprehensive to frowning to reluctance to eventual acceptance as he had hoped. Kei's face stayed the same, his gaze hardening before he let out a tired sigh.

"Yamaguchi, I told you. There's no reason for me to go. Why should I go when all I'll be reminded of is his betrayal. Even if you'll be there, there's too much effort to put in for it. And I'd rather keep my studies up. So go yourself."

Tadashi's shoulders shook with frustration, feeling like he was constantly rising and falling like waves in the sea. He was tired. Sure, he should just respect Kei's wishes, but it was irritating to constantly see Kei not put any effort towards a sport he used to love. Was it really so bad? Where did the cool Kei he admired so much go?

He began poking at his bento, shoving his food in his mouth, pointedly ignoring Kei. After some time, his head lowered in resignation, and he just reached over to Kei, squeezing his hand which laid on the table. He was upset, and he didn't want to talk. He knew what would happen if he did. Even if he didn't want to, he said what was on his mind anyways, just soft enough for Kei to squeeze his hand back, feeling a flare of annoyance. They definitely were going to talk about this later, and it wasn't going to be fun.

"I wish you didn't give up so easily, Kei."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Slowly running out of prompts bc I haven't been writing as much as I should have.... I will continue to do my best though ;v;


	15. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve you.

Routine.

It was always routine with Kei.

Wake up, get ready for school, take his daily commute there, come back to work at the local convenience store for his part-time job, then finally collapse onto his bed at approximately 11 pm. The only time he had for socializing was during breaks in-between classes, but that was time he used to work on his homework, if he worked that day. So he was really burnt out, and running low on energy all the time. He hasn't even replied to any messages in a while, opting for calling if someone really needed him because texting took a lot more out of him than he'd like to admit.

So one night after a unsurprisingly grueling day of work, when a certain freckled boy was sitting against his door in his apartment complex, knees folded and arms resting on top of them, seemingly dead asleep with his head buried into his arms, Kei knew his routine was disrupted quite thoroughly.

He watched him, noticing how his body rose and fell with each breath he took. His hands clutched the straps of his bag quite tightly, and there were locks around each zipper. So that's how he was foolish enough to fall asleep, completely vulnerable and exposed. Kei sighed, placing a hand on his forehead in exasperation.

He crouched down, resting his elbows on his knees as he poked Tadashi in the cheek. He then moved to ruffling his hair affectionately, before retracting his hand as if he just burned himself. He felt his heart ache, and he was reminded yet again of the mistake he made just a couple months ago. He wasn't sure how he got along without Tadashi physically by his side, but he had done it out of necessity. He was happy that he was even here.

"What am I going to do with you," Kei muttered, continuing his poking attack on the poor boy until Tadashi stirred, murmuring softly as he curled in on himself, before his head suddenly whipped up, his eyes wide with shock, then realization as he stared at Kei, happiness starting to bubble within them.

"Well, you sure do know how to keep a guy waiting, Tsukki," he said cheekily, a sleepy smile on his face as he finally let go of his bag, slowly standing up, and Kei moved back to let him have some room to stretch, still not knowing what to say. Tadashi, sensing this, spoke up while rolling his shoulders. "You haven't answered any of my messages in weeks, so I thought I would come visit you. I'm lucky that Kuroo-san gave me your address."

At the mention of the bed-headed man, Kei groaned, fishing out his keys, shaking his head. "That's so dumb, Yamaguchi," he focused on the lock, knowing he'd have to hold the doorknob a certain way as he turned the key in order for it to open. Stupid old doors no one bothers to replace. "What if something had happened? I don't leave any spare keys around. How long were you even waiting? I knew I shouldn't've worked overtime tonight, I just had a feeling–" he stopped as the door finally unlocked, and he shoved the door open, heaving out a sigh.

He turned around, and blinked at the way Tadashi was looking at him, eyes bright and happy, mouth curved into a smile that hid fondness and affection. Kei tilted his head to the side, just a little, in confusion.

"What?"

Tadashi laughed, finally moving to enter his apartment, kicking the door shut as he removed his shoes and exited the small genkan.

"Nothing, Tsukki. I was just reminded of why we're still best friends despite the distance."

Even if Tadashi meant nothing by it, Kei couldn't help the flash of guilt that struck his heart. It was true that he just hasn't had the time or energy to talk anymore, and he did find himself thinking about Tadashi in the little free moments he had during his work or school hours. But it didn't change the fact that they just haven't _talked_ in a while.

And this is why Kei had made that mistake in the first place.

He was just glad Tadashi was still here despite it all, even if it made him feel like he was the worst friend in the world.

"What makes you say that?" he asked, turning on the light switch and quickly taking a look around the small living room he had to see if there were any messes to clean up. Just books upon books, alongside papers that were scattered along the floor. Looking at Tadashi, he just went over and laid face down onto the couch, groaning, and he could hear his peal of laughter as he made his way over to him, Kei turning his head to watch as he sat down and leaned against the couch, his legs crossed and pulled close to his chest as he wrapped his arms around them.

"Too lazy to clean up after yourself, huh, Tsukki?" Tadashi laughed, leaning his head back, close enough for him to detect a scent of strawberries. Kei almost sneezed, wondering if he had done that on purpose. "You were worrying," he finally explained, closing his eyes as his smile shone brighter than any part of him ever did before. "That's how I know you still care."

Kei just coughed awkwardly, finally propping up his arms to twist around and see him properly.

"I didn't notice," he said simply, willing his face not to go red.

"That's why I pointed it out, silly." Tadashi replied, still grinning.

Kei didn't know why he felt like he was on the moon, with how brightly Tadashi was sparkling like a million stars. He didn't know why he also simultaneously felt as if he was drowning in the depths of the ocean. His face must have twisted into some odd expression, because Tadashi had turned around, and was staring at him curiously. They continued staring at each other, before Kei felt a moment of weakness and tore his face away, the feeling of something heavy weighed on his heart overpowering any flighty, floaty feelings he might've had. And he knew exactly why he was feeling like this.

"I don't-" Kei started, still not meeting Tadashi in the eye, before he interrupted him with a soft call of his name. Kei whipped his head around, eyes widening as Tadashi's expression turned somber, and Kei moved to sit up, crossing his legs. The other boy turned around fully as well, legs folded under him and fists on his calves, knowing that the sudden tense atmosphere had to be dealt with properly. He urged him to continue with a nod of his head.

"I don't deserve this," he started again, gesturing to him. "I don't deserve you."

He was expecting it, but he still felt the immediate disappointment and frustration emanating from the other, visibly evident in his eyes.

"Again with the self-deprecation, Tsukki?" Tadashi crossed his arms, glaring at him now. "Is this about what happened when we graduated? I told you it was fine! Even if-" he choked, surprised by it as much as Kei was. "Even if you ignored me or were just too busy to respond, I knew what I was getting myself into! Even if it hurt! I still got on with my day and carried on! But it doesn't mean that not talking to you _didn't_ hurt, because it _did_. Tsukki, it hurt so much that I just had to come over here to see you. You know how devastated I was, coming here and you weren't home? You're so busy, I worried about how you were getting along. When was the last time you took a break?" Tadashi had to stop to breathe, his shoulders shaking with the exertion it took to talk as much as he just did.

Kei didn't know how to answer, blinking in shock at everything Tadashi had just told him. His shoulders sagged, and he lowered his head.

"I'm-"

"Tsukishima Kei, if you apologize to me, I'm going to walk right out this door and go crash in some sketchy motel."

Kei's mouth dropped in shock, and he dumbly watched as Tadashi scowled at him, dead serious on what he just said. It felt as if he was back in Karasuno, watching him call the team over and command them just as Daichi and Ennoshita had. He realized he had yet to respond, and he just adjusted his glasses.

"Please don't. I can't be held responsible for what could happen to you if you do."

Tadashi steadily held his gaze before losing it, snorting as he reached over to whack Kei on the leg.

"You have no faith in me, Tsukki? I'm almost as old as you are, you know!" Kei couldn't help his next response, chuckling as he did so.

"You're still younger than I am, though."

Their playful banter lasted for a little while longer, before silence settled over them, and the mood lowered, just a little.

"I'm fine with how things happened. I'm okay with waiting for you. I understand now, and understood then, why you refused to be with me relationship-wise after graduation. Because it's just how you are. You knew we were going to separate for our respective universities. We were to work alongside school. We're both busy. And look at you," he gestured to Kei, who blinked. "You have bags under your eyes, it's no wonder you haven't had the energy to talk." Kei clasped his hands together, watching them intertwine and come undone in a repetitive motion.

"You're... You're right on that front. I was just afraid of how things would be when we can't see each other anyways, if you lived here with me. We both would be stressed from school and work. We wouldn't be able to relax, and that would have escalated into multiple arguments, and I never wanted that. I hate it when we fight. I'm probably only alright at the moment with you here because I'm happy for it."

He never had an easy time admitting his feelings out loud, not even as much to Tadashi, who he's known for years. Kei knew that, and he raised his head to see his pensive expression.

"You thought we would have a hard time with that?"

"Well, yeah. We're only human after all. We can't exactly be all flowers and butterflies or whatever."

"I guess I can understand where you're coming from."

Kei just held out his hand, and Tadashi took it, allowing himself to be pulled up so they could embrace each other. Kei was scared, he always has been, when it came to Tadashi and his feelings for him. He knew he wasn't going to be staying long either, maybe for like a week at most, but he was going to try his best to enjoy it and relax. He conveyed this feeling as so through a tight grip on the back of his hoodie.

"I hope you don't mind waiting."

"I never will."


	16. You can't fix it now.

"We should go out sometime, it's been a while." Tadashi tests, expression carefully hidden as he looked up towards his boyfriend, who was sitting as his desk, writing on several different papers as soft music flowing from the headphones that hung around his neck.

"Can't this week. Have a big test coming up, and I need to prepare for it as much as possible," the boy replied briskly, brows furrowed and eyes shut tight with annoyance at possibly yet another headache.

Splayed out on the floor on his stomach, Tadashi just nodded, knowing he couldn't see it.

"Okay," he accepts, because he wasn't expecting anything different. He lowered his gaze to the three different books spread out before him, each on different subjects that were closely related enough for him to use for the essay that was due this week. Glancing over at all the different kanji that bunched up, vertically and horizontally, Tadashi receded into the depths of his mind, playing under the premise that he was actually reading the words on the pages.

He didn't think that it would have been so difficult, living together with your boyfriend while also going to school at the same time. But this was the reality of it all, and he tried his very best to make the best of it. Every time he was free, he would talk to Kei or ask him to go out. Sometimes he was free, and Tadashi treasured those days more than most. But nowadays, they rarely saw each other, and when they did have spare time, they mostly spent it studying. Which was important, he guessed.

But he missed Kei, and he was awfully angry. And sad. He was everything, a terrible, jumbled mess. The usual stress over work and school, meshing together with his depression? Never, ever a good combination. And he felt so alone. But he was a coward to ever bring it up with him, only expressing it through actions. Frustratingly so. Kei never seemed to notice, his mind wandering from one thing to the next as fast as he could blink, Tadashi seeming to be the last one on his mind.

It hurt him, plain and simple. It grabbed him by the heart and squeezed tight, and he always felt as if he was going to combust from within. He was a coward, and he felt as if he was selfish for wanting what little free time Kei had to himself. But he also reminds himself that they're supposed to spend time with each other.

It just makes Tadashi's head hurt as much as it does his heart, and he laid his head on his books, stifling a sigh as the only other person in the room was oblivious to him. The only person he wanted to pay attention to him.

* * *

"Hey, I'm finally free tomorrow. Do you wanna hang out?"

It should have been a simple yes, accompanied with a smile filled with love and affection for him. That's what he told himself. But when Kei asked this question, similar to the one he asked just the week before, Tadashi found himself burning, just itching to get this particularly nasty feeling out of him.

"Sorry, Tsukki. The store's restocking tomorrow, and they asked me to come in and help right before I left today." Tadashi spared him no glance, only hunching his shoulders over as he typed away on his phone, replying to some messages he had gotten earlier. He was successful in seeming nonchalant, and silence had filled the room before Kei replied quietly, leaving after that.

"Okay. Good luck with it, then."

Tadashi felt incredibly guilty, but strangely ecstatic. He managed to give Kei a taste of his own medicine, and while he felt terrible about it, maybe he would chase after him this time instead of vice versa. It was only fair.

It was only fair, he repeated to himself as he stalked out of their shared apartment the next morning, not wanting to wake Kei up as he left early. With a yawn, he began walking towards the train station, intending on getting away for the day to take his mind off of the blatant lie he was living now. Barely managing to dodge a pole, he pulled out his phone, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he struggled with the morning sun.

"Hey, Shouyou? You busy? How do you feel about an impromptu visit from your favorite person?"

* * *

Shouyou had a lot of people he loved, for sure. But it was no exaggeration for Tadashi to refer to himself as one of his favorite people, at least. They've been friends for a long time, and even if he had joined Kei with his teasing when they first met, it had slowly evolved into a friendship he ended up treasuring.

Which is why he knew he could trust him with anything, such as his problems with Kei. He rang the doorbell to Shouyou's apartment, said redhead immediately pulled the door open, eyes bright yet curious, his smile warm and inviting as he embraced Tadashi.

"'Dashi! Why're you here? I mean, not that I don't mind! You just were so mysterious when we talked! I love having you around, and if you wanted to talk about something, Tobio just left to get some groceries, so we'll be alone for a little while. Did you just wanna hang out? How's Kei? Is he being good to you?" Tadashi flinched at that, stepping away with a sheepish smile, and Shouyou's face immediately fell.

"That's partly why I'm here, Shou."

"Oh. Oh! Well, come on in, I'll make you tea or something. Matcha?"

"Please."

* * *

As Tadashi walked home, he felt as if he was walking on air. He spent the day with Shouyou, then Tobio joining later on, and he was successful in keeping his mind off of things after the talk he had with the redhead. He had ranted to him about how he felt, and Shouyou only agreed with him, saying that Kei should try better. He was angry for him, and Tadashi had to have him promise that he wouldn't lash out at Kei. It was just between them after all, so he should be the one to bear it. It was awkward when Tobio walked in, holding bags of groceries while Shouyou was hugging him, the bawling, sobbing mess that he was. But he had gotten it all out, and he felt better for it. They ended up playing games, and Tadashi ignored the little voice in his mind telling him that four players were better than three.

It was fun.

Returning home was, as expected, not very exciting. Instead, Tadashi felt apprehensive, but ignored it, unlocking the door with purpose. There was only one light on, in the kitchen, and Tadashi instantly knew what would happen the moment he entered. He braced himself for it, as Kei put down his coffee cup, the dark blue one littered with stars.

Tadashi had a matching one in the cupboards, a dark blue mug with the different phases of the moon.

"You weren't at work when I checked." Kei started, well aware he seemed to be interrogating him.

"Why were you there?" Tadashi asked simply, dropping his bag onto the floor as he started to make himself coffee.

"I just wanted to see you." The plain, vulnerable way Kei had said that made Tadashi's heart twist. So he was chasing him.

"And I wasn't there." But he had already turned back.

"And you weren't there." Kei should have said something before.

"Is that something that concerns you?" he asked, staring into the coffee mug, the liquid as black as his mind and control over his words.

"Well, yes-"

"Why do I have to answer to you all of a sudden, Kei? I'm tired. I'm tired of trying so hard for you. I know you're busy. But I'm so lonely and I miss you and it hurts so much. I just wish you had made some effort." Tadashi took a long gulp of his drink, not missing the way Kei's eyes shined with unspeakable emotion.

"I can-" Tadashi interrupts him again, voice heavy but firm.

"No. You can't fix it now. And neither can I. This is only the start of the first year. We have many years ahead of us, and I think it'd be best if I distanced myself now so we don't get hurt."

'I hurt plenty enough already,' he thought.

He took Kei's silence as an answer to his statement, and stood up from the table, the screech of the chair scraping against the tile floor the only sound that resonated in the house.

"By the way, Tsukki. I lied to you and spent my day with Shouyou. But I felt so awful about it. It wasn't just lying to you that made me feel terrible. It was the fact that you asked and I had to refuse. On my end, it was because of petty, selfish feelings. For you, you seemingly had no choice. Why didn't you do anything if you had felt the same before? If you loved me as much as I do you? Do you think that's fair?"

He finally turned his full gaze to him, watching as Kei's mouth opened and closed robotically. He looked so sad, but that was nothing to how Tadashi felt.

"I'm not kicking you out. I'm not that heartless. But I will tell you now, I will do everything in my power to ignore you. Just so you know."

The fact that Kei couldn't say anything to him, even at the end, only hanging his head in defeat, spoke volumes to him. He should have tried harder.

'He should have tried harder,' Tadashi thought to himself as he silently cried into his pillow that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: My most pure, angst-filled one yet. A lot of ugly feelings went into here!


	17. I wish I'd never met you.

Kei regretted everything.

From the moment he opened his mouth that afternoon in the park, to when he responded out of curiosity in the elementary school gym, to when he asked for company to his brother's last match, unaware he would start calling a house he had barely visited before his home.

From the moment he was bothered by the embodiment of the sun, to when he was purposely targeted, to when he had realized a large absence in his normal routine of walking home suddenly appeared, and acted as if nothing had changed, when he was just trying to push down the feeling of emptiness and longing.

From the moment he watched hard work begin to bear its fruit, to when pride was reason enough to continue at 100% and beyond, to when something he had been trudging along with became exciting, interesting, and exhilarating enough for him to keep up with its pace.

From the moment streamers exploded all over, and he couldn't help but pick them off of ruffled clothes and mussed up hair with a small, genuine smile, as choruses of cheers, songs, and celebratory greetings surrounded him and the one that deserved all of it, including the entire world.

From the moment he dealt with that annoying ball of sunshine, relieved that the grounding presence he's come to always rely on was there the next morning, and he would relay the events of the previous day, a warm, happy feeling surrounding him as the replies to his rambling was nothing but light, teasing laughter that was joined with his own.

From the moment he developed a technique that kept the one person important to him on court just a little longer, letting them play together in matches, coming to love anything that lets him give a passionate high five for no one else but the reason he was even there, over and over again.

From the moment he noticed he was constantly thinking about the multitude of stars that hung in the sky, hidden behind dark wisps of clouds, yet being able to see the bright sparkling specks despite that.

From the moment he had been caught thinking about those stars yet again, and teases were thrown his way as his reputation as a stone wall was tossed aside in favor of this new light, soft cheeky grins greeting him every time he met any pair of eyes.

From the moment his heart thumped loudly in his chest, louder than any firework, being the only sound he could hear, not even breaking through his own shaky words that was fearing a rejection or something worse, as sweat made his hands clammy and he felt as if he regretted living, before being unexpectedly pulled close.

From the moment he intertwined his hands with the love of his life, whispers light and airy as they stayed up late into the night, just as they have always done, never minding the school days ahead of them because they were enjoying embarrassing each other of stories concerning their crushes that were obvious to everyone but themselves.

From the moment his team supported them, knowing that their seniors before them had also been in a relationship, and several others were also on their way there, including the two reasons he got a headache so early in the morning, the sounds of their bickering of who called it more than enough support for him.

From the moment they caused fear unto their opponents, a smug smile breaking onto his face every time that the moon rose, in order not to shadow the mountains that rose alongside it, seemingly unassuming but powerful either way.

From the moment he was, for some reason, approached by a first-year eager to learn from him rather than anyone else on the team, and he was reminded of his insecurities, until a slap on the back and a comforting hold on his shoulder helped him accept the request despite his stiff movements from before.

From the moment the mantle had been passed on, a proud, but happy voice responding with enthusiasm, before that same voice was directed at him, asking if he would share that mantle with him, as the lesser (but not any less important) position, and he accepted readily, despite his attitude being one of reluctance. 

From the moment he displayed a particularly strong distaste for people who talked down to him and his team, despite the irony of his towering over them all, and he lashed out with words dripping of toxic poison, under the guise of friendly, competitive taunting that he backed up with exceptional plays.

From the moment he raised his arms in victory, letting out a cry that shocked his fellow third-years into moving, and the cluster of stars collapsed onto him with breathless laughter and a grip that rivaled the tightness of his lungs, pure evidence of his hard work.

From the moment he gripped the diploma in his hands, and his arms wrapped around his best friends, laughter threatening to bubble up in his throat as they all talked of their next destinations, promising to hang out every now and then, no matter what, because they were each precious to each other.

From the moment he realized how different it was, to be in an unfamiliar place, the complete opposite of his countryside home in Miyagi, but with that smile that never failed to cause his heart to skip a beat, he felt as if everything would work out just fine.

From the moment his throat burned as he raised his voice for the first time in a long while, eyes blurry for reasons more than his terrible vision, despising the way the walls around him crumbled and covered him, suffocating enough that he couldn't find his way out alone.

From the moment raw hunger grabbed him and slammed him into the ground, reminding him that he needed to eat, lest he wanted to die and rot alone, and the foolish, selfish being that he was thought that he may as well.

From the moment hot tears leaked out of his eyes when he finally mustered the energy to get out of bed, feeling utterly sick and wracked with tittering anxiety that wanted nothing more than to pull him back to the warm covers, and he desperately wished it was him instead of those ugly feelings of his.

From the moment he trudged over to his door, hand shoved into his face as he tried to think of what time it was, how long he had wallowed in his own pathetic self-pity and regret, and how much he missed him, and was surprised at what he had seen when he opened the door.

From the moments he shared his strawberry shortcake with him, and he did the same with his floppy french fries, two things they could share just as they did their clothes, headphones, hobbies, and their lives.

From all the moments he shared with Tadashi, fleeting but stagnant all the same, cherished, precious memories that was running through his mind, and the wail that began to rise from his throat but shoved down as he blinked, bowing his head in thanks before closing the door once again.

From the times that were only memories.

From the overwhelming feeling that he should have apologized.

From the bitter part of him that hated himself even more than ever.

From the words he spoke from his heart, clutched in his hands as he let out a whimper, then a sob, something to express the loss he had felt for the first time in his life.

The stars full of happiness that he had held so close to him, was no longer shining.

If this never happened, if any of these moments never happened, he wouldn't feel so alone, but yet he didn't blame him. He only blamed himself.

Kei regretted it. 

"I wish I had never met you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I tried something new here, bc I thought it was fitting and it made me sad. 34 paragraphs, 34 sentences.


	18. I trusted you.

Tadashi always thought that faith, honesty, and loyalty were important traits when it came to one's self. His mother had taught him early on that he should never lie, and if he absolutely must lie, it's because of a good thing, like a surprise party, or something along that nature. Even half-truths were acceptable in certain circumstances. It also helped that Tadashi was a terrible liar, with how honest he was all the time. And because he was a person that lived off of truth, he easily trusted in people, first and foremost being his parents, and soon then, his best friend Kei and his older brother Akiteru, parents included.

He loved the latter family a lot, and learned just how much they loved him back, always giddy from the affection they gave him. From constant chatter, to shared food, to hugs and ruffles of his hair, to offering their house in lieu of his own. He loved spending time with them, and maybe because he was the sweetest, most innocent child (in Akiteru's own words), he was oblivious to just how messy his own home had gotten. Not in terms of cleanliness, but of tension that could only just barely hide itself in his shining presence.

It was only when school let out earlier than usual, and he was walking home with Kei, that he walked up to the front gate of his house, intending to have him sleep over that night, that he realized something was off.

His parents always told him, how much they loved and adored him. And he would always respond enthusiastically, asking if they knew how much he loved them too, and how much he wanted to be with them forever. He would then ask if they love each other too, and they always embraced him tightly, giving him a kiss on the cheek and forehead, as their response. So maybe Tadashi should have seen it coming, then.

Maybe it was because he was being bullied before he met Kei, and he didn't tell them because he was afraid it would get too out of hand and his bullies would treat him worse. Maybe it was because he had lied to them, he had lied to them for a while, and despite him being a terrible liar, it wasn't enough to deter his parents from smiling and patting him on the head. Or maybe it was because of him, that things hadn't quite worked out in the way he had hoped.

His ideal future was one with his parents, smiling and laughing with him by his side as he told them stories of his life, maybe by the side of the person he would come to love. The thought of it would always make him blush, and he would talk quietly to himself over his daydreams, sometimes getting so worked up over it that he would accidentally draw attention to himself. He was very much a romantic, even at the young age of twelve.

Maybe it was because he was so weird? Maybe that's why he was bullied, and maybe that's why Kei had to pull him away after slipping his brand new headphones over his ears, the ones he never let him touch since he got them. He wasn't even aware of when they arrived at Kei's house, he just had his arms wrapped around himself in a daze, his favorite song on loop.

Led by a gentle hand that pulled his arms apart, replacing them with the softest blanket in the world (Kei told him later on that the blanket was only used on special occasions, like whenever he got sick and needed to keep warm), he found himself in the spare futon that the Tsukishima family always had for guests, namely, him.

Tadashi didn't understand. He pulled the blanket closer to himself, trying to focus on the instruments that played from the device on his head. He hadn't been able to make out the words erupting from inside his house, because Kei had noticed before he did what seemed to be going on within his household. But he did understand. He understood perfectly. But he was afraid of the outcome, so he buried himself further underneath the covers.

As Kei entered the room again, feet padding quietly across the carpeted floor, Tadashi watched as he drew the curtains to a close. Dimming the overall light in the room, and allowing him to relax. Kei then crawled his way underneath the blankets that were on top of Tadashi, and the boy only turned around to face his friend, eyes blinking curiously. Kei said nothing, only holding him close, mumbling something about how Akiteru always let him sleep on his bed when he wasn't feeling well when he was younger.

"But I'm okay, Tsukki."

Tadashi, lover of truth and hater of lies, thinks it's okay just to lie to himself, just this once.

* * *

He lied to himself many more times.

He lied when he told himself it wasn't his fault his parents separated, because his parents said the same thing, and he believed them.

He lied when he told Kei and his family he didn't want to intrude on their family, despite their insistence that he never did.

He lied when he said he was doing good when visiting his father, who had gotten a new job over in Tome, just happy to see him.

He lied when he said that everything was alright, when Akiteru had lied to both him and Kei.

He lied when he said he didn't want to continue volleyball anymore, because it was dumb.

He lied when he said that he wanted to see how his mother was getting along with her new boyfriend, and that she should bring him over.

He lied when Kei asked how it went, replying with a smile and a laugh that sounded far away, fists clenched in his lap and trembling ever so slightly.

He lied when he replied enthusiastically to be the ring bearer of his mother and his soon-to-be step father's wedding, later on clinging to Kei and pleading with him to be there with him at all times.

He lied when there was blatant evidence that he was hurting, because he didn't want to hurt others too with his own pain that he probably deserved.

He lied when he said he wanted to stay in Miyagi for college, secretly thankful that Kei was pushy enough to get him to agree to come with him to Tokyo.

Tadashi, avoider of truth and teller of lies, felt as if his whole life moral has been turned upside down, and thus should be reflected as such.

* * *

He doesn't know why he's screaming at Kei. He probably knew, like ten minutes ago, but all he can see now is anger, blazing hot flames licking at the edges of his vision. With Kei's next words, the flames die down and he can see a little clearer.

"So why did you go through all this effort?!" Kei asked vehemently, fists clenched at his sides as he seemingly couldn't decide whether he should yell or cry from frustration. Tadashi wanted to do both, but he held on, mind strangely quiet thanks to the pause all the words that were jumping around had done.

"Because I trusted you. I trusted you enough to make your own decisions on what you should or shouldn't tell me. You're a grown man, Tsukki. Of course I had faith in you," he paused, glaring at him with all the ferocity he could muster. His voice, dripping in the pain of Kei's betrayal, foolishness, and his traitorous heart which still had a soft spot for him, resounded in the room.

As simple as a drop of a hat, but as impactful as the world's end.

"But I don't anymore."

Tadashi, hater of truth and hater of lies, had his trust broken by someone he thought he could trust in, and hates the fact that honesty, faith, and loyalty exists.


	19. Don't cry.

"Don't cry," were Kei's first words to the kid before him.

"Pathetic," were the words he spoke to the kids that had just run away, and he had laughed at them.

The freckled boy just sniffled, rubbing his face with the sleeve of his shirt, and Kei made a face at that, which the boy jolted at.

"Th-thank you," he just stammered out, holding his bag in his lap as he moved to sit up more comfortably. Kei just snorted, shrugging as he started wondering why he had even stopped in the first place. He just turned around, hands shoved into his hoodie pockets, an indifferent expression settling onto his face.

Little did Kei know that that was only the first of many times he would say those two words.

* * *

"Don't cry!" he panicked, wondering what to do when Tadashi's eyes started shimmering at the sight of the feast before him. The boy just shoved his hands into his face, sniffling and hiccupping, while Kei was at a loss. He had just met him a couple days ago, and after meeting him once again in the nearby gym, when he expressed his interest in volleyball, suddenly felt an urge to invite him over for dinner. He really had no clue what propelled him to do so, but perhaps it was because he seemed to think Akiteru was just as cool as he did. It was comforting to know that someone outside his family could appreciate him too.

"I'm sorry, Kei-kun, it's weird, right? Sorry, I'm really weird, I'll stop, I-" Kei just stuck a piece of chicken into his mouth, effectively shutting him up as he frowned at him. The freckled boy did his best to chew, and he only stared at Kei as he handed him a napkin, looking back down at his own bowl with burning cheeks.

He didn't care about people, he had always said. Didn't care for friends. Didn't need to have any on his new team, either. So of course it was an embarrassing surprise for him to realize just how terrible he was at interacting with kids his age, and he didn't know how to deal with someone like Tadashi. He was easily brought to tears, quick to smile and laugh, and somewhat shy, but eager to please. Just the type of kids that usually avoided Kei, because he hated high-strung, vulnerable and open personalities with a passion, and they knew it from the way he carried himself, eyes forward, hands in his pockets, and an everlasting frown that silently screamed at others with his towering height coming into play as well.

He didn't know how to deal with people, and he was shocked to feel that he didn't want Tadashi to leave. He didn't want him to disappear, but he failed to realize how much effort he needed to put in order for him to stay. And he internally struggled with these thoughts as he ate his food, the steam from the rice fogging up his glasses, but not his mind.

He hoped he would learn how to be a better friend soon, better than just forcefully shutting someone up with food. Better than being afraid to see them cry and doing everything he could because he couldn't handle the feeling that constricted his chest when he caught Tadashi crying. He didn't understand why he did so, but his parents did, and he didn't like how they kept the truth from him, until they told him that it was something Tadashi will have to trust him with.

So he decided to wait as long as it takes for Tadashi to trust him.

* * *

"You think you can just waltz on over here and pick on my friend?" Kei asked with a sneer, jutting his chin out as he looked down over the three kids that were about to do something to Tadashi, and he didn't want to know what. He was just glad he got there on time.

The same damn kids he saw just a few months ago, thought they saw enough of him. It made his blood boil, and he was glad he had enough common sense to stand his ground and not lift a finger to them, as they hadn't physically made a fuss.

"Get out of here. Don't even think about coming near him again," he threatened, glowering and feeling satisfactory when the kids scowled right back, but looked as if they would wither on the floor right then and there. They stuck out their tongues, before running away, Kei watching to make sure they weren't trying anything funny.

He turned around to Tadashi, who was looking at him in awe, his bag clutched in his arms.

"What?" Kei asked, feeling a little uneasy with the way Tadashi seemed to be observing him, and the boy just smiled earnestly at him.

"You're so cool, Kei-kun!" Kei stumbled back as if the comment was a physical entity shoving at him, and he pursed his lips, looking away.

"It was nothing. Just don't cry, okay? They won't bother you again."

Tadashi wiped away the tears that sprung forth from his eyes, gratitude replacing them instead, and Kei just inwardly sighed with relief.

* * *

He was always curious on why Tadashi had started crying during dinner the day they met at the gym, bit like a good friend, never poked and prodded, mostly because it wasn't his business. But he knew Tadashi would tell him one day, of that particular behavior alongside others, that consisted of asking to eat at his house in badly hidden humiliation, or how he constantly expressed want for a uniform code, like how junior high and high school students had. Kei never asked why.

So about a year later, when Tadashi appeared one night after a sudden few days of absence, without so much as a word to him, Kei didn't speak the first thing on his mind. Instead, he just took in his appearance, disheveled and seemingly scrawnier than he usually was, and Kei let him in his house without another word. Kei's mother noticed his state, and hurried him off to the bathroom so he could bathe.

The rest of the night was odd. Tadashi said nothing, but Kei could tell he was wondering if Kei would say anything about this situation. He only looked back at him, wearing a plain, but curious expression. Tadashi seemed to understand the underlying tones, as he just nodded, starting to eat as if he hasn't eaten in days. To say that Kei was worrying for him was an understatement. But he wouldn't jump to conclusions.

Tadashi stood next to the doorframe awkwardly, as Kei pulled out the spare futon that they always used for their sleepovers, and spread it on the floor, grabbing a pillow as well as a blanket, dumping it onto said futon.

"You've been here before, you know. You don't need to act so nervous." Kei replied simply, moving to sit on his bed after turning off the lights, the only light source being the moonlight shining through the window. Tadashi just blinked, before crawling under the covers with a small smile.

"You're not going to ask?" Tadashi asked after some silence. Kei was currently reading a dinosaur facts book, one he's read a million times, so he could afford to close the book and pay attention to his friend who was obviously hurting.

"Well, I want to know. But I'm not going to force it out of you. We can talk later, if you'd like. Drink the tea my mom gave you." Kei told him, looking over at him as he just sat up, taking the cup from Kei's desk and blowing on it, as it was steaming hot.

Kei wasn't someone who wanted to chase him away. He didn't want to intrude, he never did. And as selfish as he may have been, he didn't utter those words he always did. He knows how Tadashi worked now, and he slid off of his bed to sit next to him, slowly wrapping his arms around him.

"You're allowed to express yourself. So let it all out," he murmured, feeling the way Tadashi's body started shaking, and the younger boy just shoved his face into his shoulder, starting to wail. He could only imagine what might have happened for him to be crying so hard, but it was all he could do to pat his back awkwardly in hopes he was helping. "It's okay to cry."


	20. I promised I would always be on your side.

It's counted up to 9 times this week that he's done this.

Tadashi didn't expect him to follow such a routine, but on the inside he always knew how he liked to have everything be as normal as can be, and routines helped keep everything "normal." So he couldn't complain, as he watched Kei turn off his phone and shove it into his pockets, calling out a goodbye to his mother as he left the house.

Turning left instead of right, making his way to his house. he greeted his mother, giving her a small hug and the usual invite to his house to keep his own mother company. He sat down to have some tea, matcha, Tadashi's favorite. Kei never really liked it, always leaving it to him to drink, but he found it funny yet saddening that he's trying to take everything of his and make it his own.

Kei sits in the middle of his room, legs folded neatly under him and hands balled into fists on his legs, looking out of place like that. He wanted to tell him to loosen up, to relax. Stretch out his legs like he always did, because he was ridiculously tall and with that height, came legs that were just as ridiculously long.

Tadashi always wondered why he watched Kei go about his day, and wondered if he wasn't quite over it. The both of them. He was finally free from all his demons, and he knew that he only caused some to reside inside Kei. He worried for him, and Kei had been having a hard time. That's why he visited every morning, to have some tea and sit in his room for a little while, listening to the recording on his phone before heading off to school. It was exactly ten minutes, filled with a voice that was all too familiar to him.

Tadashi's heart ached.

For the 10th time this week, Kei has done this. It's Friday now, and he has listened to the recording for that many times. But for all the times that he's sat there quietly, he has never heard his thoughts out loud. He never knew directly how Kei felt. Only assumptions were made.

_Every time I laughed and smiled, it always felt fake. Around you, Tsukki, it was real. I only wish that others could see your real smile too. I always wanted to too, but I felt like that was too much to ask for._

That line played, and he noticed, that for the first time, Kei stood up, shutting off his phone before the rest could play.

"I always smiled whenever you appeared. It was a genuine smile, every time. You made me happy. How could you not see that? I never really smiled for anyone else, Tadashi. Maybe nii-chan, but..."

Kei stopped, gritting his teeth as he left Tadashi's house early for the first time, but not before reaching up and taking one of the glow in the dark stars that were still plastered all over his room's ceiling, and that was when he realized.

It was Kei's birthday. He left him alone, before his birthday. And all he had to give him was an empty room filled with their childhood memories, plastic stars that dotted the sky of their many nights that were no longer, and a voice that would never sound real, a voice that spouted a bunch of bullshit he thought he wouldn't want to hear.

But he listened to that voice. Several times this past week, he had listened. As he broke from his "normal" routine, he realized that Kei was probably going to break down today.

He followed him out of his house.

* * *

As Kei slipped his headphones over his ears, Tadashi got closer to him, wondering what songs he will listen to for today.

He was surprised to hear one of his favorite songs, but then again, he assumed that Kei made a playlist of all his favorite songs. He silently settled next to him, watching as he seemed to only be focusing on the music. He would be worried, if he didn't know him well enough that he could be far away in his mind while walking some place and be completely fine, without bumping into poles or anything that he has done himself.

"I promised I would always be on your side," Tadashi sang softly to himself, and he looked at Kei in shock, thinking that he was directly talking to him, because he had just uttered the same thing. But Kei continued on, forlorn.

He paused his playlist, staring at his phone, and Tadashi watched as he pulled up the recording again. Listening, with a fire in his eyes that seemed to burn everything in sight. Tadashi could recite his own words clearly, and he did so, as he watched Kei's face shift with each syllable.

_Life's been hard lately. It's been getting harder to get out of bed every day. But it's not a big deal, really! Doing these little voice recordings isn't meant to bring you down, I just... Sorry, I'll stop for now._

"Who said that you could decide whether it was a big deal or not?" Kei muttered to himself, and Tadashi felt miserable, seeing him like this. But it wasn't something he could take back. "It never was. You could tell me anything. I would listen."

So he spoke.

"I know "sorry" doesn't fix anything."

Kei took a deep breath, and Tadashi wondered if he could really hear him. He only watched as Kei did his best to get himself together before he entered the school.

"But still."

Tadashi watched as Kei struggled through practice, and was told to rest, and the desperate look in his eyes that screamed, "I need a distraction."

"I'm sorry I ran away. I'm sorry I didn't say anything to you."

Tadashi watched as Kei nodded numbly at any birthday wishes thrown his way, and remembered times where they would stay at his house, and now remembered that it wasn't just him he had lost. It was the memories that shaped him, the words that became his every day routine, his everything. He had left him with nothing that could replace his presence in his life.

"I'm sorry I left you alone in a world where everything has already left you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I need to catch up as I have 11 more prompts to do but ahhhhh. Sorry if I take a while with them! And this chapter was hard to write, sorry if it seems too rushed or confusing :(


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